


The Story of Us

by Weiirdoo



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Robbe and Sander are both brunettes, Robbe is popular and confident, Sander is sad and nervous, Sander wears normal Jeans and a T-shirt paired with black converses., They are in the second last year of high school., They are of same age, They have houses in their school just like how there are houses in Harry Potter, jens stoffels - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:34:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 40,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25915195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weiirdoo/pseuds/Weiirdoo
Summary: Sander is a sad kid. School is definitely not his favorite place. 16 years into existence, and something finally changes for him and the next thing you know, School is the only place he ever want to be in.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 85
Kudos: 124





	1. I need an angel to save me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is my very very first fic ever. I am just giving it a shot. Just don't judge me too harshly.
> 
> Please read the tags for additional information.
> 
> TW- A mild example of bullying. Nothing too much

Sander wasn't always like this, sad, silent, kind of lonely. He was never a wallflower. Even if he was, he wasn't a sad wallflower. He was a very happy, bubbly kid who had a lot of friends. He loved having friends. He has always cared about the friendships he had. Treasured them. But what he never realised, at that age, was that those friends did not reciprocate his sentiments. What he did not realize was that they were mean and rude to him. 

Sander was a kind hearted person, and was a softy. He had trouble saying no to people, which often led to certain situations he would not want even his worst enemies to be in. People took advantage of that kindness. 

_ Why is it always me?  _ He would often ask himself. But he never got an answer.

His 'friends' would usually ask him to do things they knew Sander wouldn't want to do. So they forced him, and if he refused to do so, they would ask everyone in the class to not to talk to him for the whole day or would leave him alone, or would break his things which would make him cry.

_ Why can't you just leave me alone? _

But of course there were days which were filled with laughter and jokes and games and sharing of Lunch. 

Sometimes, some students would talk to him very kindly, would invite him to have lunch with them, would ask him if he was okay when they would see him upset and all alone, would try to make him laugh. But he knew they would never  _ make him a part of their group.  _ And that realization broke Sander's heart, every single time.

What really was a hitting point was when he was humiliated by a class teacher in front of his class, at the age of 13 because he wasn't paying attention to the teacher as he was doing someone else's homework because they threatened him.   
_ "I will stick gum on your bench and would force you to sit on it for the whole day. Everyone will laugh at you and would call you dirty. No one will sit with you and you will be all alone" _ said his classmate, winking and laughing at him.

So Sander had no choice but to do as his classmate asked him to do because he really didn't want people to laugh at him or leave him alone, sad and upset. He wanted people around. He wanted people to like him. So he did whatever his mean classmate asked him to do.

Teacher never heard his side of the story and punished him in front of his whole class. It was really humiliating. After that day, his classmates would make fun of him. They would call him names. They would imitate the whole situation again and again in front of him and would make him cry.

  
  


Sander crashed hard. Sander refused to go to school for the next few days and he stopped eating, he forgot how to smile, he refused to even tell his parents about what happened.

_ I just want people to be nice to me. Is it too much to ask for?  _

_ What have I done wrong?  _

He didn't know what the feeling was called at that age, but it was loneliness. He had no one to talk to. Talking to his parents was one option but he knows what they would say and he knows that they will show up at his school, demanding for those students to be punished because of how they treated Sander. And that was the last thing he wanted. He didn't want to be a subject of discussion. He didn't want drama. He didn't want anybody to hate him more than they already did. He didn't want their meanness. So he kept quiet and stayed in his room. Sander was sad all the time. 

He had been bullied his whole school life. No one wanted him around for what reason, he never really couldn't figure out. 

He slowly accepted that this is how it is supposed to be and he started finding happiness and fun within himself. It was hard. But he did try his best. 

This whole thing went on and on until his parents decided to shift as his father got a promotion which required them moving to another state. 

_ I can finally start over. _

He just turned 16 when he started his new school. He was excited and nervous and hopeful. Hopeful that people might be different here. Hopeful that, they might want to be friends with him. Hopeful that they will treat him with kindness.

His new school was magnificent. It was beautiful and had huge paintings hanging from the walls. Not a single classroom was left with white walls. Every wall had a painting or some models made by the students, had hude bulletin boards covered with announcements slips. It had large corridors and huge doors and 4 large floors, all divided into different sections of the school. His new school seemed like a palace. The classrooms were gigantic. The benches were placed one after the other. It had a huge white board on the opposite side of the classroom, where there also was a teacher's table and a podium. It was all surreal to him. He had never seen anything like it. His old school was dark and boring and congested.

_ What the hell is this place? Oh my god. You better not get lost everyday.  _

Sander never totally lost the sight of himself. He still was a cheery kid who was friendly and would smile at people all the time. 

  
  


On his first day, he met his future best friend. Her name was Amber. She was very pretty with blonde wavy hair which was coming down till her elbows. She was like sunshine. She was bubbly and happy and curious and talkative. It was very refreshing for Sander. He had never met anyone like her. He realised that Amber might have been the most curious of all, seeing a new addition to her class. 

It's not that she was alone and she finally got a friend. No. Amber already had a group of friends. Which wasn't a surprise because who wouldn't want to be friends with such a type of person.

Seeing Sander sitting alone, Amber came and sat next to him, beaming at him. Which took Sander by surprise.

_ Act cool Sander. Be cool. _

"Hello, I am Amber. I hope you don't mind me sitting here" said Amber while offering her hand for a handshake.

"Oh, not at all. I am Sander by the way. Actually thank you for accompanying me. I was feeling a little bit awkward" said Sander as he took her hand and shook it. 

"First days are always awkward. But don't worry. Now that I am here, you will be fine." She winked at him. "We might just end up being friends by the end of the day. You never know", still beaming at Sander with a smile so bright, Sander couldn't help but smile back at her. 

Sander quickly said a thank you, which was more like a whisper but Amber still heard him. 

She put her arm around his shoulders and gave him squeeze as an act of reassurance. She was like that, friendly and kind.

_ This is going good so far. Oh God, please let it be a good day. _

"Oh I totally forgot" turning herself around so that she can face the students sitting behind them, Sander followed her lead. 

"These are my best friends since I don't know how long. This is Zoe". A girl with bleach blond hair waved at him. Sander smiled at her.

"This is Yasmina. She is so smart. Any problem regarding academics or with life, we all run to her. She is amazing". A girl with curly hair smiled at him, shyly, slightly flushed because of all the praise. Sander giggled "I am probably gonna run to you a lot then, if that's the case". Everyone chuckled, hearing that.

"Oh come on, I am smart too. I help you too. That's not even fair" said the girl with black hair, had bangs covering her whole forehead, slightly pouting and had her hand crossed over her chest.

"Yes Noor, we know you help but you help us with Art stuff. With painting and sketching. I was talking about Science and Maths stuff. I am sorry I didn't mean it like that."   
Noor had a small smile on her face now and turned her gaze towards Sander introducing herself, shaking Sander's hand. 

_ WAIT! WHAT? DID I HEAR ART? DOES SHE LIKE ART TOO? I AM GOING TO CRY! _

_ Pull yourself together, Sander and smile. Don't be weird.  _

Sander smiled so brightly when he heard that she does art. In his mind, Noor was already his favorite. He immediately started a conversation with her about art and his love for art.

Art has always been a huge part of Sander's existence. But it became his escape when he was diagnosed with Bipolar at the age of 15. Sander did not take it well. But he had no option but to accept his fate and start to learn to live with it. When things didn't go right for him. When he felt lonely or when he crashed after having an episode, he would turn to art. Art was everything to him. He thrived on making art. His art would depict his moods and his feelings and he never found a better way to express himself.

The conversation between the two was cut off by the sound of someone clearing their throat to get their attention. Sander stopped talking and looked towards the direction from where the sound came from. A girl was looking right back at him. She was the last girl of the group who was still left to be introduced. She was smiling at him, a fake one. 

"Well, you never gave Amber a chance to introduce me. I am Britt by the way" said, with an annoyance in her voice. "I don't think it's very nice to ignore people like that". 

Sander did not like her tone at all. He gave her a fake smile and introduced himself. Britt rolled her eyes at him. 

Sander definitely did not like her.

_ What the hell is her problem? Can't I have someone not being mean to me for more than 10 seconds? _

After that, it became quite awkward for them but were saved by the class teacher who was now starting their first lesson of the day. 

By the end of the day, awkwardness was long forgotten. 

Sander finally had a good day at school. He was excited for what was about to come. He was happy that the girls and him hit it off immediately. He was happy he might have finally found friends who would like him for him.

_ I hope they like me enough to keep me around. _

Sander had a feeling this was going to be a good year for him. And he was aware that it was just the first day and things can change very quickly but Sander liked being hopeful. Hope was the only thing he had for now.

\------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a month now since he started his new school and those girls are still his friends, which is really shocking for Sander. 

_ Can you blame him? _

Those girls have been nothing but nice and kind to him. 

His 'favorite' girl Noor helped him with art classes. Sander learned that Noor is way more talented than he could ever be. She had proper knowledge about everything which included paint brushes and paints and pencils. 

"No!! Sander. Don't touch that yet. Its not dried"

"Sanderrrr, that's acrylic paints. I asked for poster colors" 

"Dude, that is not how you hold this brush"

"Sander, I really don't want to sound mean, but are you sure you know things about art?" Noor said, with a teasing smile. 

And Sander just laughed and laughed. He personally enjoyed Noor's company a lot.

Yasmina waz another helper, regarding his homework. She would offer her free time to be spent in the Library with him, so that she can help Sander with the problems he was facing in Maths or in Science or whatever subject he was facing problems in. 

"For crying out loud Sander, this is the 3rd time I explaining this to you" 

"How do you not know the basics?"

"I am giving you these questions as homework, you better do it or I will smack you" 

"Call me if you get stuck somewhere in this problem"

Sander really appreciated her.

Zoe was a fighter, Sander discovered. During his 2nd week there, the boys of the class started teasing Sander because he had no 'boy' friends. He spent all his time with those 5 kind hearted, funny girls only. So they started calling him a girl. Started making fun of his name and turning it into a girl's name. Sander kept quiet but was really upset because his fears were coming true. It was happening all over again. He was being bullied again.

_ It's happening again!!!! _

Zoe wasn't having any of it. She yelled and screamed at them. She fought with them.

Made them shut up and made them apologize to Sander. Sander was bit terrified but was really happy that finally someone stood up for him without asking anything in return. He got so overwhelmed with the feeling that he started crying and hugged Zoe really tight and thanked her a thousand times. Zoe hugged him back and kissed his cheek.

"Don't cry, you silly boy. I will fight the whole school for you. For all 5 of you".

All was well there

Amber, well she became really close to Sander in no time. Out of 5 of them, Amber was his closest friend. He loved her alot. They kind of became inseparable. Before opening up to Yasmina, Sander opened up to Amber. And Amber did not pity him. And that's what Sander liked the most about her. He didn't tell her his story for pity. He just wanted to share. He just wanted someone to listen to him and let him cry his feelings out and just hug him and that's what exactly Amber did.

"I am going to be here for you Sander. We all are. Those people, who bullied you were fucking blind. They couldn't see how precious you are. How soft and amazing and kind hearted you are. How goofy and appreciative you are. How good of a friend you are. I am so lucky to call you my friend. We all are."

As for Britt, Sander kept his distance from her.

Sander can't remember the time, he was this happy. During the first few weeks, he was very cautious. He wouldn't speak much, he wouldn't indulge in conversation much because he had this fear. He thought if he speaks his mind or if he by chance says something which others won't agree with, they will dump him like he's been dumped so many times before. Because even though they never gave him a reason that they would leave him, it was his mind playing tricks on him. Even though they assured him with their actions and their words, that they are going to be stuck by him, he still had a hard time believing it. So he kept his distance. 

It wasn't until Yasmina who cornered him one day and asked him why was he acting like the way he was acting.

_ This is it Sander. They are tired of your bullshit. They are going to dump you.  _

Sander decided to open up to Yasmina. Because, Yasmina was really sensible. Sander had a feeling she might get where he is coming from. So Sander told her everything from the start, including his Bipolarity.

"I am sorry, I was just really scared. I didn't mean any of you to feel that I wasn't interested in being friends with you. You guys saved me. I am really sorry about how I behaved" said Sander, with glassy eyes and his throat was choking up. He really didn't want to cry.

"Sanderrrr" said Yasmina. "You know we really like you. We like having you around. You are so witty and cheery. You bring joy to our group. Please don't think we would ever dump you. We all really like you. Also, it helps that you are a boy and so gorgeous"

That made Sander smile while a tear rolled down his face. 

_ Don't cry dude. What the hell? She will freak out. _

But to Sander's surprise, Yasmina hugged him, tight and mumbled "Dont cry Sander. Please don't be scared either. We really like you, well maybe some of us like you more than others. If you know what I mean" with a teasing tone. Which made Sander laugh as he was hugging her back.

Sander knew what she meant. He doesn't know how, but for some reason Britt was suddenly interested in him. Like really interested and was so obvious about it. Sander didn't really feel anything, so he just kept pretending that he was not seeing what others are seeing. He was acting oblivious. 

_ I am just gonna ignore it as long as I can _

If Britt wouldn't have been mean to him on his first day, maybe he would have given in because my lord, she was gorgeous. 

Sander felt good after talking with Yasmina. They all kept reassuring him from time to time that they are not going to dump him if he starts opening up. They will like him as he is. No questions asked.

\------------------------------------------------------------

As weeks went by, Sander started discovering new things about his school. Unlike his previous school, this school had 'houses'. Students were seperated into 4 different houses and once a day in the week, each house was supposed to conduct the assembly for the entire school.

_ What the hell is going on? _

  
  


Each house has their own captain and vice captain. For inter school competitions, the houses competed against each other.

Sander found that really amusing. He was excited about it. This was very new for him.

He soon discovered that Yasmina and himself were in 'Inquirers' house (yellow in color), Zoe was in 'Nurturers' house (green in color), Amber was in 'Seekers' house (red in color) and Noor and Britt were in 'Venturers' house (blue in color). 

_ Oh, I can definitely pull off Yellow. _

They all had scarves given to them according to their house color and they had to wear them during the assembly days. They also were supposed to stand in the assembly, according to their Houses.

_ At Least I have Yasmina to stand with. Look y'all I am not a loner anymore. _

Little did he know that the week he came to know about this 'house system was the same week his house was supposed to conduct the assembly. Every child of that house is given a task to do. It could be news reading, an on the spot speech on the given topic, thought of the day, etc. And it was the captain's duty to assign their tasks.

This was so nerve wrecking for Sander because he did not know what to expect and what to do. Hell, he has never even seen his house captain. AND he was new to the school. 

"Sander can you please calm down? It's not as scary as you think. I promise. I have done dozens of these. Maybe more. You won't mess up." Yasmina told him with a calm tone. 

They were sitting in the library with their books open. Sander came to know about the assembly situation which is to happen within a week, this morning. He was a nervous wreck.

"But Yasmina, you don't know that. I am going to get nervous there. I am going to mess up. I know it. I know how I work Yasmina. I don't want to participate". Sander whined.

"Sander! Look at me". Sander did. He doesn't know why, but he was on the verge of crying. His fears were eating him up.

"Even if you mess up, which you won't. But  _ if  _ you do, I promise you no one will say anything to you. No one will make fun of you. Everyone messes up on the stage. Hell, even the captains messes up on the stage." 

Sander was still not convinced, it was literally showing on his face. 

"Even if someone tries to come at you, we have Zoe to fight them off. She is our fighter Sander. You really don't have anything to worry about. I promise. Anyways, I am going to be there for you, standing with you side by side. Okay?" Yasmina continued, with a small soft smile on her face. 

Sander seemed to calm down a bit when he heard Zoe's name. He still hasn't forgotten how she went off when boys started teasing Sander.

Sander nodded confidently and smiled at her.

The confidence didn't last much long as now they were headed to the house meeting which was being held a week prior the assembly, in a classroom on the 4th floor. As he and Yasmina were climbing the stairs, he confidence was going down real fast.

_ I am going to mess this up. I am going to mess this up. I am going to mess this up. _

_ People are gonna make fun of me. I don't want that anymore. I don't want people to laugh and make fun of me.  _

_ Someone help me. I need an angel to save me. _


	2. I love the way you say my name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of nervousness and confusion and something shocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Here's a new chapter. Please enjoy.
> 
> Also, read the tags for additional information.

Sander did not expect this at all when he entered the classroom with Yasmina, where the meeting was taking place. He did not expect the classroom to be this full. He did not expect smiling faces and hand waves which were directed towards him. He did not expect a warm welcome and a short introduction, not given by him ( _ oh thank god) _ but by some guy. Sander was relaxed, instantly. He wasn't sweating anymore with nervousness. So that was a good sign.

_ What in the world did I ever do to get this much kindness? _

_ Where were you guys my whole life? _

But what Sander did expect was a class full of boys and girls, eyeing him and whispering things into each other's ears and not even trying to hide the fact that they were talking about him. What he did expect was, people making faces, clearly showing how unwanted his presence was.

Little did he know, Yasmina had already informed the captain and their housemates about Sander and his overthinking skills.

Sander was just in awe now. He didn't know what to do, what to say. He was so overwhelmed. People weren't kind to him in his previous school and now, in this school, they are nothing but kind to him. 

_ Dude, can you for once not cry? Don't be a cry baby. Just chill. Smile and wave. _

_ Okay fine. I can't control it anymore. Find a seat in the back. Find a seat in the back and put your head down and then cry. SILENTLY. _

"So, let's start our meeting, shall we?"

_ Okay. I have some time to collect myself. Control mahn.  _

_ Deep breaths okay? Deep breaths. _

_ What is wrong with you though? When people were mean, you used to cry. Now people are nice, you are still crying. _

_ Make up your stupid mind Sander. _

"Sander? Hello?!? Sanderr?!? You there?!" 

"Sander can you please raise your head?"

"Sander are you alright? Someone shake him please?"

Sander could hear those words. He knew someone was calling his name. The tone of that voice was so soft and calm. It gave him goosebumps all over his body. He wanted to hear that voice all the time.

But he still couldn't register what was being said. He was so lost in his thoughts and don't know for how long, trying so hard to collect himself that he just completely zoned out. 

Somebody shook him. It was Yasmina. He looked up. She had a worried 'whats up dude?' kind of look on her face. 

"Robbe has been calling you, Sander" Yasmina whispered.

He turned his gaze towards the class. Everyone was looking at him now.

_ Shit! _

"Hey Sander, you alright there?"

This damn voice. 

_ Please keep saying my name. I love the way you say my name. _

Sander looked up to see from where that angelic voice was coming from. Yes! Angelic. 

Sander's eyes searched for the face of that voice and was met with twinkling brown eyes. The owner of those beautiful mesmerizing eyes was a boy. A boy who seemed small or maybe because he was drowning in clothes that's why he seemed small.

He was wearing a navy blue sweatshirt and a maroon beanie which allowed his brown curls to peak out. He paired all of it with white - greyish pants and white sneakers.

He was smiling at Sander. His smile was so so soft with dimples on each side. He was waving at Sander, with a questioning look on his face.

When Sander finally came to his senses and properly looked at the boy's face, his mind started running 100 miles per hour. But his body was just frozen there. He literally forgot for a second how to function.

_ Holy fucking shit. Who are you?  _

_ Why the fuck are you so beautiful? _

_ Can you say my name again?  _

_ I really wanna see your hair. Those curls are killing me. _

_ Can I kiss your dimples? _

_ Can I tou- _

_ Wait!! Hold on. HOLD ON!!! _

_ What are these thoughts? Where the fuck are these coming from?? I am so confused right now. I can't have these kinds of thoughts. He is a boy, Sander. A BOY. _

_ And the fact that you literally saw him just 5 seconds ago.  _

_ How can you even think these things in such a short span of time? What?!?!? _

_ What is happening? _

_ Oh! But- Ohhh wait. He is still waiting for me to answer. Say something.  _

_ Sander, move your lips and SAY SOMETHING!! _

_ SANDER!! WHAT THE FUCK MAHN? SAY SOMETHING!!!!  _

_ HE IS LOOKING AT YOU. DON'T JUST STARE AT HIM LIKE A FREAK. SAY SOMETHING. AT LEAST SMILE? NOD? WAVE BACK?  _

_ Oh my god, you are such a piece of shit. _

"Sanderrr? Are you good? Do you need water?" Robbe asked him.

_ He is asking something. Answer him Sander. _

"Oh don't worry Robbe. He is fine. He is just nervous. And for some reason he has lost the ability to speak but he can speak I promise" Yasmina dived in. He could feel Yasmina's gaze on his side profile. But he couldn't care less at this moment. He was occupied by something more important. Something or someone much more beautiful and gorgeous. Someone who was standing right there in front of him. Looking at him. Saying his name.

Sander somehow manages to nod towards Robbe. Robbe smiled and nodded back.

"So, where were we? Oh yeah, so the prayer singing. We have our own set of singers right?" Robbe continued the meeting, addressing the class.

Sander zoned out again. But this time he couldn't get his eyes off of this beautiful baby-like boy. He was walking around the class talking about assembly, probably because Sander was definitely not listening to him. But what he definitely was doing was looking at those lips. Soft, pink, plushy. 

_ I wanna ki-  _

_ What is going on with you Sander?  _

Sander shook his head as if trying to get that thought out of his mind. Yasmina was giving him worried looks. Sander could sense it. But he just didn't want to even waste one second of the time he is getting to stare at this boy. 

Robbe looked at Sander, maybe thrice during the meeting, smiling every time. All Sander could do was low down his gaze as he could feel heat rising up his cheeks and his heart beating a little bit faster each time. 

He could see Robbe frown a bit every time he lowered down his gaze. But right now Sander couldn't afford to look at him directly because he might lose his shit. Noo actually scratch that. He definitely will lose his shit.

_ You need to calm down. You are acting like he is your crush or something. He is not! Not at all!!! So chill okay?  _

Meeting ended, the lord knows after how long. Sander just went for the door. He did not wait for Yasmina. He did not give anybody even a chance to say bye. He rushed so fast. 

Sander felt someone's hand on his shoulder and he knew it was Yasmina. Who else could it be? 

"Sander!! What the hell just happened in there? Are you okay?"

"I dont know what you are talking about Yasmina. Yes I am fine."

"Ummm.. do you really want to play this out with 'i don't know what you are talking about'?!" Yasmina said, stopping them in the middle of the corridor. She had her arms crossed across her chest, raising her eyebrows at him. 

"Uuggghh!!! Okay fine. You caught me. I honestly don't know what happened in there Yasmina. I swear. I just forze. I literally just froze. Everyone must be thinking I am weird. Oh, the captain of the house is gonna give me so much shit. Isn't he?"

Yasmina had a confused expression on her face.

"What?!" asked Sander, confused by her confusion.

"Sander, you talked to the captain. Or more like he was talking to you and you were just staring at him like an idiot."

Sander didn't say anything. He was waiting for her to continue. For some reason, his brain said 'I am not going to work today. If you seem stupid to people, I cant careless' and that is what was happening exactly at this moment.

"Robbe? Robbe Ijzermans? You know the boy, who kept calling your name. He is the captain of our house. And from where I was sitting, he didn't give you any shit. He actually was kind of worried about you. You seemed so out of it." Yasmina continued with slight annoyance in her voice. 

"Wait!! He is the captain of our house?!" Sander's mouth was gaping.

"Sander we were in there for an hour!!! He even introduced himself, for you. Because everyone else knows already who he is. And you didn't even listen to that?"

Sander didn't know what to say. He just shook his head and started walking. This was all so weird. The feeling in his stomach. The heat rising on his face, once again, when Robbe's face popped up in his head. He was having a million thoughts, all at once. He needed to calm down and think things straight.

_ I just want to go home now. I do not like this feeling. At all. _

_ I don't know what's happening to me. _

Yasmina read the situation and dropped the whole thing. They walked silently towards their classroom and went on with their day as they usually do.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Sander was once again a nervous wreck. Huh. What's new? 

It was the day of the Assembly. He had to go on stage and deliver a speech on 'Confidence is Silent and Insecurities are Loud. The fucking irony. 

He heard Yasmina snort behind him, when he heard the topic he was supposed to speak on for a whole minute. 

_ 60 seconds? That's like an eternity. I am going to faint.  _

  
  


It's not like Sander didn't know that he had to speak on the spot. 3 more meetings were held within that one week. And Sander was informed about his part. Sander couldn't say no. No one was supposed to go to their assigned jobs. So he agreed. 

But those meetings were very different from the 1st one. How? Because Robbe never showed up for those. Not that Sander was looking forward to seeing him. Not at all. It was just an observation. His heart definitely did not drop a little every time the meeting was being held and Robbe didn't show up. It's not like Sander was thinking about him 24/7. 

NO! WHY WOULD EVEN THINK THAT? 

So in conclusion, it's been a whole week since Sander saw Robbe. In those 7 days, Sander came to know some things about Robbe. He didn't go around asking about him. The information cam tk him. Whether he wanted to hear it or not. 

First thing Sander came to know was That Robbe and him are of the same age. They study in the same grade but are placed in different sections. How did he come to even know that? It was all thanks to Yasmina.

Yasmina couldn't keep his mouth shut and spilled everything that happened in the 1st meeting. 

Everyone laughed. It really was a funny situation if you are not in Sander's place. 

"Don't worry Sander. You are not the only one. Most of the time even Noor used to forget how to function when she used to see Robbe in the corridors". Zoe said with a teasing tone. Noor pushed her shoulder lightly. She was blushing so hard. Sander had never seen that look on her.

Sander looked at her, raising his eyebrows, smiling a little. Noor just shrugged her shoulders and went back to finish her work. Or just pretended to work. He doesn't know for sure.

"Oh no, but Sander was worse than Noor, Zoe. I swear. I don't know how to explain but it was so hilarious. It was like he literally blacked out." Yasmina pitched in. 

_ Oh my god Yasmina. Please stop. I have already embarrassed myself enough.  _

"Oh please Yasmina. Nothing like that happened. I wasn't that dramatic" 

"But you were Sander. We sat there for a whole hour and you couldn't even grasp the fact that he was the caption of our house". Yasmina argued.

_ I want to bury myself somewhere. _

Sander just rolled his eyes. He was blushing. His ears were turning red. He shifted his gaze and was met with Britt's who clearly wasn't enjoying this conversation. There was a bitter expression on her face.

Sander ignored her. 

The girls told him more about Robbe. He was popular and everyone wanted a peice of Robbe.

_ Can't argue there. He really is gorgeous _ . 

_ Gosh. I just wanna see his smile one more time. _

_ Those curl-  _

_ STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM DUDE. LIKE FOR REAL. THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.  _

Even though he started pretending he wasn't interested in their conversation anymore which was about Robbe, Sander was still eavesdropping. He just for some reason, wanted to know more about Robbe. 

_ He is my house captain. I should know more about him. It kind of like my right to know about him. _

_ I am just curious mahn. This doesn't mean anything. Chill for fucks sake. _

He gathered that Robbe was an all arounder. He was someone people wanted to be. Someone Sander wanted to be.He was on the top of his class. He had a good personality. The way he would walk and talk and stand and how he handled his body language, it all screamed confidence. No wonder he was the captain of his house. Everyone seemed to love him which included the teachers too. 

  
  


Now here he was. Standing on the stage. Freaking out because he had to speak on the topic which he definitely couldn't relate to for a whole one minute. 

_ Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. _

_ Dear God, send help. Anything? Anyone? Please? _

Sander looked over his shoulder, searching for Yasmina for some confidence boost but was met with those brown eyes. 

Green eyes looking into Brown eyes. Brown eyes looking into Green eyes. Its like they were talking in their own language. They were having a moment. Yup! Definitely. Its a moment. 

_ Is God actually listening to my prayers? _

Sander realised that Robbe was smiling at him. He was gesturing a thumbs up, was asking him to take deep breaths and then just stopped and smiled at him. Again. Such a soft, innocent beautiful smile. 

_ Oh my god, that smile and those fucking dimples are gonna kill me.  _

Sander was thanking heavens because he managed to nod towards him while smiling.

For some weird reason, Sander was quite calm now. He got the confidence boost he was looking for. He wasn't freaking out anymore.

The fact that Robbe was there and he wished him luck and smiled at him and was there for him ( _ well maybe not there for HIM, specifically)  _ brought some kind of peace in him. He felt he could do it. He could feel Robbe's gaze burning at the back of his head.

Someone announced his name. It was time for him to go on the stage. He looked over his shoulder one more time. Robbe was still smiling at him.

_ Skipped a heartbeat.  _

_ I am so fucked.  _

_ But, for now, let's put this show on the road.  _

\------------------------------------------------------------

Sander was alone today. His friends weren't there with him. No they didn't dump him. They all had some special classes which were specifically for girls. So Sander couldn't join them. 

The whole day, Sander could see and hear people staring and whispering and laughing at him.

"Awwww… your girlfriends left you?"

"Did they leave you and go shopping by themselves?"

"What do you guys even do in the free time? Talk about what color you should paint your nails, next?" 

"What a loser"

Sander kept quiet. He never ever indulged in those types of conversations. He put his head and ignored them, as best as he could. 

That's why, right now Sander was having lunch under a tree which was at the very end corner of the school playground. 

_ No one will come here. I can sulk in peace. _

Sander was eating, lost in his own thoughts when someone came and stood in front of him. Sander raised his eyes to see who it was.

_ Fuck.  _

_ Skipped a heartbeat. _

It was Robbe. Of course it had to be Robbe with his signature attire. A sweatshirt, pants, a beanie on his head and white sneakers.

_ That banie makes him look like a baby.  _

_ My bab- _

_ STOP! _

His head was blocking the sunrays, making him look like an angel. 

  
  


Sander didn't see Robbe after the assembly for the whole day. But from the very next day, everywhere he looked he found Robbe looking back at him. Sometimes smiling, sometimes waving at him. Even if he was surrounded by his friends and other people who were just trying to get him to say hi to them, he would still manage to spot Sander somehow.

Everytime Robbe noticed his presence, everytime he smiled at him or waved at him, Sander would feel like dancing around like a little girl. Those little moments made his days ten times brighter. He was slowly forgetting the fact that Robbe was a BOY and this is how he is supposed to feel for a GIRL and not a boy.

But the days he didn't see Robbe, it made him feel a little bit blue but low-key, he was relieved that he didn't see him because he needed some time to think. To understand why his heart skips a beat or beats faster when he sees Robbe? Why does he feel a blush creeping up on his face when Robbe smiles at him? He needed to clear his head.

  
  


All that thinking and clarity was going down in the drain as Robbe stood in front of him. Just a few inches away.

_ Okay. Don't be weird. _

_ Just don't keep staring at him like an idiot. We get it. He is beautiful. But you might just creep him out.  _

"Hi! Do you mind if I join you?" Roobe asked, very politely.

Sander didn't utter a word, just shook his head and shifted a bit to make some room for Robbe. 

They sat there. Silently. Sander was looking at Robbe from the corner of his eyes. He did not dare to move at all. 

There was a playful smile on Robbe's face.

"Do you stare at everyone like this? Whenever they come around you? Or is it just me?" Robbe teased, looking directly at Sander.

Sander's eyes went wide. He started getting nervous.

_ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. _

"I.. I didn't.. I didn't mean to stare at you. I am sorry. I don't know why that happens only when you are around" Sander mumbled, a little bit embarrassed by being called out like that. 

He heard Robbe laughing. 

_ Oh this sweet, sweet laugh.  _

"Don't be sorry. I am flattered that it is something that happens only whenever I am around.." Robbe winked. 

_ DID. HE. JUST. WINK. AT. ME?  _

_ My heart is beating so fast.  _

Sander kept quiet. He didn't trust himself enough to say anything.

They again settled into a comfortable silence. 

"So you are new here huh? How are you liking it here? Better than the last school? Or worse?" Robbe picked up the conversation, sounding genuinely interested.

_ Why is he talking to me? He is so popular. He has dozens of friends.  _

_ Is he here on a dare?  _

_ Are they going to laugh at me once I say something they wanted me to say? _

_ Don't talk too much. Act uninterested.  _

"Don't you have your own friends to have lunch with?" Sander gotta admit. It came out way harsher than he intended too.

He looked at Robbe. He didn't seem upset. He was just smiling at him. A sad smile, but still a beautiful one.

"I do actually. But I thought you might be a better company than those annoying assholes. Besides, people keep hovering over our lunch table. It's really very uncomfortable" Robbe answered, not at all affected by Sander's rudeness. 

"Hahaha, Poor Roobe. He had to run away because people want to be his friends. Because people are giving him the attention everyone else craves for."

_ Wow dude. Where did that come from? Why are you so bitter to him? _

_ Just shut up now. Please. Just be quiet. _

Robbe was just looking at him. He wasn't saying anything. He was just looking, like he was trying to study Sander. Like he was trying to understand him for some reason. 

After a moment, Robbe flashed a smile at him.

_ Shit. _

"Well, everyone might crave for that attention. But I am the last person who needs that. I don't like all this spotlight on me every minute of every day. It's like I can't breathe sometimes. It's just too much sometimes".

Sander just nodded his head in understanding. 

"Well to answer your questions. Yes I am new here. But you already know that. And yes, this place and these people are way better than my previous school. I am really happy here actually" Sander said, to change the topic. The air between them was getting heavy.

"Good. I am glad you are happy here. I see you hanging around with Yasmina and the group. Really good choice on selecting friends."

"Is that sarcasm?" Sander frowned. He was not going to take shit about being friends with 5 amazing girls, well 4 actually. Sander is not a big fan of Britt anymore. He heard about it enough times now.

He really really liked them. He loved the bond they all shared. 

"What? No! What is it with you and taking everything so negatively" Robbe said exasperatedly. "I adore Yasmina. I like the girl she hangs out with. Yasmina is the best. We go to same coaching class, you know?" 

"Wow. I did not know that. Also, I am sorry about my behavior".

"No, its oka-"

Sander cut him off and said "No it's not. I have been nothing but rude to you since you got here. Just know that it's nothing personal. It's more like a ‘me problem’. I have nothing against you. I promise." 

"Well, that's good to hear because I was starting to think that all those stares weren't out of love but out of hate. I am glad you cleared it up." Robbe said, so nonchalantly. 

Sander looked at him and Robbe once again winked at him.

_ Teasing. He is teasing me.  _

_ That wink will be the death of me  _

"Well it was really nice talking to you. But I have to go now. My friends have started looking for me"

"Wait. You didn't tell your friends where you were going?"

_ Why wont you tell them that you were coming to sit with me? _

_ Are you embarrassed? Ashamed?  _

_ Do you not want to be seen with the new kid who only roams around with a group of girls? Who has no ‘boy’ friends? _

"Sander, if I told them that I was coming to sit with you. They would come here too then. I didn't want that"

_ I love the way you say my name. _

_ Can you say it again please? _

"Why?" Sander was so confused. 

"Because" Robbe scooted closer to him. Brought his lips to Sander's ears and whispered "I wanted you all by myself for a little while."

Before Sander could process what Robbe just said. Robbe shifted his head and kissed his cheek. 

By the time Sander realised what had just happened. Robbe was walking away.

Sander looked at the direction Ribbe disappeared to. He was walking backwards, facing Sander. He waved at him and ran towards his friends.

  
  


One little detail that slipped from Sander's mind while he was eavesdropping the conversation the girls were having about Robbe was, that he was gay. He was gay and he was out and he was proud of it.

_ Sander was so fucked. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. that happened.  
> What do you guys think? What is Sander going to do? Because it seems like he is in a battle with himself.
> 
> If you guys have any suggestions on how I can improve or prompts or ideas regarding this story. Maybe an idea how their first kiss would be like? What Sander might do next? What to expect in the next chapter? Anything? Please do share with me. It will help me too, to take this story forward.  
> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed.


	3. You hurt, I hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just loads of fluff and a little bit of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. i am back with a new chapter. I hope you like it.
> 
> TW: A mild panic attack.

Things have been going really well for Sander these past 2 months. He was happy and he was content. There was no longer that lingering fear and insecurity which used to nag him in the back of his mind, 24/7. 

Well maybe they didn’t disappear completely. There were still some insecurities here and there but nothing too intense that would lead him into a downward spiral.

Sander was doing good in his classes too. He and his friends were also having the time of their lives together. 

Amber and Zoe had started hanging out with him outside the school too. They would come over to his house or he would go over to theirs. They would also meet up for a coffee in the evenings.

Yasmina and him were spending a lot of time in the library, less studying and more chatting and gossiping about other students. Sometimes complaining about how unfair a teacher is or the amount of homework they were expected to complete within a very short period of time. You know, just regular school talks.

Noor was his favorite person to spend time with. Don't get him wrong. He loved spending time with those other girls too. But Noor was crazy about ART. And Sander always lost the ability to see anything beyond art.

Britt had diverted her attention from Sander to some guy named Jens and he was thanking heavens for that.

He also made some new friends which were boys by the way.

_Thank you very much_

If you simply put it. Sander was just happy.

He felt lighter. His mind didn't race 100 miles per hour anymore. It did still race a lot. But the speed was slower now.

Well, even if he was getting better, he was still second guessing everything. _Bad habits die hard. He_ was still speculating, he was still looking for a reason, to find a loophole everytime someone would do something good for him, like offer their notes so that he could copy them. But it wasn't as bad as it used to be.

Sander was healing though. The process was long and hard, but he was getting there.

He was trying to forget what had happened to and with him in the past. He was learning that not everyone's the same. Not everyone is mean and rude and cruel. There are kind people in the world too and they can be nice and can help you without asking for anything in return.

He had started liking school now. Actually he had started enjoying school. He has been so excited for it, in the past few weeks that he would sometimes leave early in the morning so that he would get the chance to see his friends and talk and catch up before the bell rang. 

Or well, that's what he was telling himself everytime he got this urge to reach school as early as possible.

You see, after that lunch break which he and Robbe shared two months ago, it kind of became their routine. An unspoken deal that 'okay, we will meet each other every day here.' 

So just like Robbe, Sander also decided to not tell his friends or refused to tell them where he was disappearing, every day for lunch break.

_Because they wanted to be in each other's company without any interruptions._

_It was 'their' time._

  
  


After the day Robbe kissed his cheek, Sander went back to the spot, because girls were once again busy with some project which he wasn't a part of. 

To his surprise, Robbe was already there, looking somewhere else. Seemed like he was lost in his thoughts.

"Well, this is a surprise." Sander said, as soon as he reached the spot. He didn't even ask and just settled beside Robbe. He was trying to hide his smile, but was failing miserably..

_Just like how they sat the previous day._

Robbe just shrugged and smiled back at him.

"How did you know I was going to come back at this spot?"

"I didn't actually. I was hoping you would. But as I started losing my faith in you, you decided to show up." Robbe wasn’t teasing this time. He was telling the truth.

"Yeah well sorry about that. I was with the girls. If I had known you would be waiting for me, I would have run to you." 

_What the hell Sander?_

Robbe seemed very pleased with that answer. 

"Well, I am just happy that you at least showed up." Robbe smiled.

After that, they sat there in silence. Just basking each other's presence. Their shoulders were touching, and no one made any move to get away from that touch.

Robbe was sitting cross legged while Sander spread his legs in front of him, laid back, taking the support of the tree's trunk and closed his eyes. 

He felt so peaceful and calm. He never wanted this moment to get over.

That day, they just sat in silence and when the bell rang, they just got up and left to go on with their day. 

No bye. No hugs. Nothing.

No one saw them. And they wanted just that. It was their secret.

So after spending two consecutive lunch breaks together. They started meeting under that tree, far from everyone else and just basked each other's presence. 

Sometimes they sat in silence. 

Sometimes they talked.

"My old school was a very bad place for me. If I never had gotten the chance to change schools, I don't know what I would have done with myself." Sander told him on the 10th day of their 'lunch date'.

Robbe didn't say anything, he did not question him, he didn't ask for any reason. Nothing. All he did was sit there and listened to Sander talking. 

When Sander finished talking, Robbe hugged him. Because Robbe felt like Sander needed a hug. It was a short hug. But it did the magic it was supposed to do. 

  
  


"You know I am a very shy person in general." Robbe started the conversation on their 13th day 'lunch date'.

Sander snorted so loud that Robbe started laughing.

Robbe looked at him as his laugh died down, and found Sander raising his eyebrows so high, it was touching hairline.

_Dude, shy kids don't go around kissing other people's cheek whom they have met for the 1st time and then have a dramatic exit._

Robbe rolled his eyes playfully. He knew what sander meant by that expression.

"Listen I know what you are thinking. And I am sorry about that. I really don't know what got into me" Robbe explained, slightly flushed. 

"Don't apologize Robbe. I really enjoyed that _kiss_." Sander winked at him.

Robbe blushed. His cheeks were heating up. So, he turned his gaze towards the playground, watching other students playing football because looking into Sander's eyes was too much for him at the moment.

_Uh huh. How do you like the taste of your medicine?_

"So _anyways,_ as I was saying. I am a shy boy in general." Robbe sighed, still not looking at Sander "and yes I know I don't seem like one. But I am, I swear. You can ask my friends too. That is the reason I don't like all this fuss at all. It wasn't my choice to be the house captain or to be the teacher's favorite. I hate the attention that I get. But I do all of it because of my dad. My dad is very strict. He needs me to be on the top of my class. He needs me to be the best in everything. And I get so exhausted Sander. I am tired. If it wasn't for me dad I won't be here. Hiding from people just to get one second of peace and silence. And if I refuse to do so, I won't ever hear the end of it. And I am just sick of him always nagging him. This weight of expectations that everybody just keeps dumping on me, it's not very healthy for me. I hate it actually." 

This was very out of the blue. Robbe had never opened like this before. He had complained about the responsibilities and the attention he gets, before also, but he never went this deep.

But Sander had a feeling. He had a feeling that Robbe is telling him all of this because he wants them to be equals. He didn't want Sander to feel like he was superior and he was perfect and had everything in control. No. He told him because he wanted to let Sander know that he is not the only one who feels broken, who is sad, who is tired and exhausted. He was telling him this because he wanted Sander to nnke that _he is not alone in this._

Sander understood what Robbe was trying to tell him. They just naturally had this connection. This understanding. 

So Sander resorted to silence. Not because he didn't know what to say but he also knew that Ribbe didn't want him to say anything or console him or pity him.

Robbe also just wanted someone to listen to him and understand him, his pain, his misery. Just like how Sander wanted someone to listen to him and understand him, which thankfully Amber did.

_I wish I could do something to take your pain away._

_Why am I feeling like this?_

_Why are you slowly making a home in my heart?_

_Why does it feel like everytime you hurt, I hurt?_

_Why?_

_You are just supposed to be my friend Robbe._

_Are friends supposed to feel like this?_

Sander did what he could do best. He just held Robbe’s hand tight and gave him the softest and most reassuring smile that he could manage. 

But Robbe went one step forward and intertwined their fingers together and put his head on Sander's shoulder. 

A jolt of electricity went through his body.

But Sander didn't move away. He didn't freak out. Sander just put his head over Robbe's head and they spent that lunch break in comfortable silence. 

No words were spoken. 

And Sander knew deep down, he wasn't the only one feeling this _thing_. They both could feel it. 

_A spark? A start of something new?_

Sander thought-

_Let me have this for one day. Let me hold my BABY. Let me comfort him._

_I deserve one day of this, of happiness, of peace. Robbe deserves it._

_I can be in denial from tomorrow. I can freak out and distance myself tomorrow._

_Today I just wanna hold this beautiful boy's hand and never let go._

The 'tomorrow' didn't come for a long time. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

October was around the corner. But the winter was very much present in the air. It was getting more chilly day by day. The wind was cold and harsh.

Hence, it was becoming harder for Robbe and Sander to sit under the tree for lunch when the winter wind was nothing but cruel and freezing. 

But they didn't budge. 

They refused to put a pause on the time they were allowed to spend together, the time where they were allowed to be who they are without putting a mask on their faces, the time where they didn't have to worry about what would the other think if they come to know about their fears and Insecurities, the time where Robbe didn't have to be confident all the time and put up a show, the time where Sander didn't have to be afraid of speaking his mind and getting judged or made fun of. They wouldn't trade anything in the world for the time they get to spend together.

So they decided that they would show up at their spot, as long as they can manage. They buried themselves in 100 layers of warm clothes. Robbe was legit drowning in his clothes and giving some 'smol baby' vibe.

_My god, he is so cute._

_He looks so cuddly._

_Would he mind if I hugged him everyday?_

But within the span of two months, their dynamic changed. Sander could pinpoint the day they felt the shift. 

It was the day Robbe opened up to him. The day he intertwined their fingers together and sat under that damn tree, in silence.

You see, after that day, there were alot of lingering touches, here and there, between the two boys. Some touches were by accident. Some touches were initiated. 

Robbe and Sander again fell into a mutual understanding of their need to touch each other.

They would intertwin their pinkies together in secret or they would just simply hold their hands throughout the lunch break or one would just put his head on other's shoulder or one maybe lay down and put their head on the other one's lap and the other one would run their fingers through his hair. 

They had to constantly touch each other but refused to ever acknowledge it openly.

_Can I feel this touch for the rest of my life?_

_Why am I so drawn to you?_

_I should stay away from you Robbe but I can't seem to have the power to do so._

_Why?_

\------------------------------------------------------------

It was the first week of October when Sander started hearing this buzz about something called 'the inter school sports day competition' which is supposed to be held on the 1st weekend of November. Which meant that they still had a whole month ahead of them. But it seemed like everyone was over the moon excited for it already, because it was the 4 houses who would compete against each other. The whole school was thrilled about it, teachers as well students.

Every conversation was about the sports day. 

Best friends were now becoming enemies during this whole 'sports day phase'. Everybody was energized and thrilled and so ready to win the house cup. 

School was turning into a fight club.There were alot of trash talks going in the corridor. Fights were breaking out in the lunchroom. It was a total chaos. And everybody enjoyed every minute of it.

Every house captain and vice captain was working hard and were busy planning meetings and making teams, selecting students for appropriate sports to play. It was a lot of teamwork.

  
  


Sander had never participated in such a thing.

Truth to be told, Sander was never selected for such a thing. Even if it wasn't sports or some other activity, maybe a play or an art competition, the teachers of his previous school won't let him participate. He never understood the reason before. 

But when he got diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, it was like the teachers got a solid reason for not letting him participate. 

Apparently, teachers were scared or were in doubt that maybe by the time it was his day to perform, Sander might fall into an episode and would ruin everything for everyone.

_But it's still ME._

_I haven't changed._

_Is it my fault that I have a mental illness?_

_What have I done so wrong that people hate me this much?_

_They won't even give me a chance_

Nobody had told him that, in those specific words, but Sander wasn't blind. He had the ability to understand things.

So instead of being rejected on the face, he would skip school until the whole thing was over. 

  
  


Right now, Sander was sitting in the classroom where all his house meetings take place. Unlike last time, Sander chose to sit in the front this time. 

Yasmina was beside him and of course Robbe was talking about the planning and the work they have to do. How to execute everything. The number of sports they were going to take part in.

But just like last, Sander was zoned out. He was just staring at Robbe. Not at all paying attention to what's been said. He had a smile on his face and his eyes were following Robbe around.

He was looking like an idiot who was head over heels for someone. 

_You look so hot when you are in command._

Well, if someone noticed how Sander was looking at Robbe, he really didn't care. Well by someone, he meant Yasmina.

_Oh, I wish I could hear you talk all the time._

_Such a sweet soft voice._

_This red sweatshirt is making you look so hot. I am fucking melting here._

_I really wanna touch your hair again. They are so fluffy and soft._

_Can you look at me and smile? I really want to see you smile at me._

_Those lips. Those beautiful soft soft lips._

_I really wanna ki-_

"Hey Sander? You alright there buddy?"

Sander was brought back to reality by his very favorite voice.

_Buddy? BUDDY?? B U D D Y?!_

_Also, how the fuck do I manage to get my self in such situations?_

Sander looked at Robbe, because he was the one calling him _buddy._

Sander just nodded his head. 

Robbe was smiling. That sly, teasing smile was playing on his face and Sander knew why Robbe was giving him that specific smile. He knows what is going in Robbe's head and he also knows he was never going to hear the end of it.

_Well, as long as it made you smile._

_Honestly, dude. What the fuck? Control your thoughts._

"So what do you say? You wanna join the team?" Robbe continued. 

Samder did not miss the way the whole classroom broke into hushed whispers the minute Robbe asked him that question.

Sander knew it. He just knew that people wouldn't want him to participate. He knew there would be talks and questions would be raised. 

_Robbe is gonna back out too._

_People won't be happy. He will back out because he is the captain. He can't be biased._

_I am the new kid. No one wants a new kid._

_He won't choose me. Like everyone else._

_But it's okay Sander. This is not the first time. And it won't be the last._

_It's okay._

But _his_ sweet sweet Robbe didn't bat an eye. He wasn't looking at them, he was looking into his green eyes, trying to say ' _i don't care what they are saying'_ but Sander still had an _'are you sure'_ kind of expression on his face.

Robbe nodded lightly while smiling at him. This time it wasnt a teasing smile. It was an _'I have got your back'_ kind of smile.

So Sander just reluctantly nodded his head.

Oh but Sander had no clue what he was agreeing to though and he also wasn't ready to give Robbe the satisfaction that yes, he once again zoned out while staring at Robbe like a fool.

"Excellent then. We have our soccer team ready."

The hushed whispers turned into loud talks. People arguing and screaming about how it wasn't fair to them. But Robbe wasn't having any of it. He didn't listen to them, he didn't budge. 

"I am the captain. And this is my final decision. People who seem to have a problem can leave. The door is right there" Robbe said in a harsh tone. Everyone fell silent, instantly. 

Sander was looking at Robbe but Robbe wasn't looking at him or he refused to look at Sander.

_Oh Robbe, no! Don't turn yourself into a villain because of me._

_I am no one._

_Take your words back Robbe._

As Sander's mind was replaying the whole thing, it got stuck on one word. 

_Soccer._

Sander didnt know shit about Soccer. He had no clue at all. AT ALL.

_Soccer? What the fuck did i just agree to?_

_I can't kick a ball to save my life._

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

\------------------------------------------------------------

Sander was sweating his ass off and just because his clothes were damp and his hair was wet, he was freezing as well. His teeth were chattering against each other and he was shaking while running around the playground trying not to get too close to the ball. The wind wasn't helping either.

  
  


It was their 9th practice match within the span of two weeks. 

After their 1st practice match, Sander was tired and exhausted and felt like he would faint. He just wanted out. He didn't want to do it anymore. He didn't want to participate in anything now. He wanted to be left out now.

"Robbe, I can't do it. I just can't. This is too much for me. I will die in the field. I swear, Robbe I would die. I am going to stop breathing any second now." Sander was heaving. 

Robbe rolled his eyes at Sander, being so dramatic and over exaggerating the whole thing.

"Oh don't be so dramatic. It was our 1st practice match. You are just not in shape. You will get better" 

"But Robbe, you saw me. I can't even kick the ball. I can't even see where the ball is. I am gonna blow it all up Robbe. You guys will lose because of me."

"Sander please. It's just the 1st practice match. Do you know the meaning of _practice?_ And even after all the practice matches you don't feel confident enough to play. I will make sure you are seated in substitutes. We rarely need those. Okay?"

Sander was silent. 

"Okay Sander?" Robbe asked one more time

"Okay" Sander mumbled, barely audible.

_Why do you care so much?_

  
  


So now, as the 9th practice match was coming to an end. (Sander's team lost and Robbe's team won), not that Sander cared even a little bit. 

All he was looking forward to was a warm shower and his bed which was covered with heavy, warm, soft and a cozy blanket. 

Robbe caught up with him on the way to the locker room. They didn't say anything. Just smiled at each other and kept walking, side by side.

Locker room was steamy and damp. The player were already shedding their jerseys and were heading towards the shower

But when the coach cleared his throat to get everyone's attention, the whole team forze on the spot, waiting for the coach to give his feedback on today's practice. 

Little did Sander know that it was his performance which was going to be the main topic of the feedback, this evening.

Coach started off easy, telling how Sander was doing and what he should do more to make himself better. 

But in the blink of an eye, the coach started yelling at him, started calling him names, saying things he shouldn't say to a student. Sander was having a hard time understanding. 

_No. No. No. Please dont._

_Please stop. Stop saying those things._

_I am not a loser. I am not._

_Everyone is looking. Everyone is laughing._

_Please. Please stop._

Sander just stood there, taking it all in. listening to his coach, spitting poison. He could hear his teammates giggling and whispering in the back of the locker room. 

It was like he was back in that classroom, 3 years ago. Teacher yelling. Students laughing. Sander crying. It was all coming back to him. It was all happening again. 

_NO. NO. NO. NO. NO._

He looked at Robbe. He was looking right back at Sander. His face seemed sad, as if he was in pain too.

_Why are YOU in pain?_

Sander was losing his senses. He didn't know what was happening. He was breathing heavily and he was running. All he knew was that he was running.

_When did I start running?_

Sander kept running. Where was he trying to go? Don't know. But definitely far enough from that locker room.

It wasn't until he stopped running to catch his breath, he realised that he was crying. There were big fat tears rolling down on his face, onto his neck.

"Sander? Sanderrr? Where are you Sander? SANDER?! Please! SANDERR?!"

Robbe. He was sounding worried. Like really worried and a bit panicked. But he cannot see Sander like this. Sander won't let him see him like this.

"Sander, can you plea-"

Sander was about to run again, when he saw Robbe looking at him. There was a sign of relief that rushed over his face but was quickly turned into sadness.

Robbe saw Sander, at the end of the corridor. He was breathing heavily and he was standing with the supoor of the wall.Robbe could see Sander was crying. 

He slowly started taking one step forward after the other, very cautiously. Not sure whether Sander wanted him around or not.

When Robbe was just one step away.

"Sander" mumbled Robbe. Still keeping his distance.

_I love the way you say my name._

It was like, that soft whisper of his name pushed Sander towards the edge and he just fell on the floor, sobbing. He was sobbing and he couldn't breathe. He was trying to say something, but he couldn't get the words out because he was sobbing, very hard.

Before he knew it, he felt Robbe's skinny warm arms around him.

Robbe was on his knees, in front of him. Hugging him. Whispering sweet nothings into his ears. Running his fingers through his damp sweaty hair, kissing his hair from time to time.

_It's okay Sander. I am here._

_It's all going to be okay. I have got you._

_You don't have to worry about anything_

_Just breathe with me baby._

_I am here. I am right here. It's all going tk be fine._

_Shhh. It's okay Sander._

"I.. I… I can.. I cant bre.. I can't breathe Ro.. Robbe. Hel.. Help me.. me.. brea.. breathe. Pl.. plea.. please Robbe" 

Robbe got nervous. He didn't know what to do. Or maybe he did, but his mind couldn’t process it. 

Robbe started pulling back, just a little bit. He wanted to see Sander. He wanted to ask Sander to put his hand on Robbe’s heart and start trying to match the heart beats.

But Sander didn't allow him to move. He wasn't letting go of Robbe. He was holding on to him as if he was the only thing which was keeping Sander afloat.. He was holding him so tight, that Sander knew he was leaving bruises. He buried his head in the crook of Robbe's neck and tightened his grip around Robbe’ waist. AndRobbe didn't seem to mind too much. 

At this moment, Robbe was his anchor. His touch was his anchor.

"Hey Sander, can you try to match your breathing with mine?" Robbe whispered closer to his ears.

But Sander was still sobbing, he was still heavily breathing. So he just shook his head.

"Come on Sander. Try for me baby. Try to match your breathing with mine. Slow and steady." Robbe said with the softest tone he could manage.

It took some time but Sander was trying now. Robbe could tell from his breathing that he was trying.

Sander was trying his best.

  
  


Sander had no idea about how much time had passed. They were still on that cold floor, in the same position, sweaty and freezing. It was really dark outside now.

Robbe never loosened his grip, he never stopped whispering sweet nothings, he never stopped running his friends through his hair, he never stopped kissing his hair, even if it was sweaty and damp.

Good thing was, it helped Sander calm down. He was still sniffling but that was dying out too.

Robbe broke the silence after what felt like eternity.

"Hey Sander, I am gonna move a little bit okay? I need to see you. I am going to pull back just a little bit and I need you to face me. Please? Okay?"

Sander said nothing.

So Robbe took it as his queue and pulled back a little bit. Not too much but enough so that he can see Sander's face. 

Sander finally raised his head from Robbe's neck and looked at Robbe.

Sander looked like a mess. His whole face was wet. His eyes were red and puffy from all the crying. His cheeks were flushed, lips slightly parted. He looked exhausted. 

And they just kept looking into each other's eyes.

Brown looking into Green. 

Green looking into Brown. 

_How can you be so beautiful?_

Robbe's eyes were now roaming around his entire face. Like he was studying him. Trying to memorize every little detail of his face.

Robbe moved his hand from his hair while the other was still around his shoulder, keeping Sander close, and cupped Sander's cheek, stroking his cheekbone with his thumb. 

They were so close that their noses were brushing against each other and their foreheads were almost touching.

Robbe moved his head back a little bit more, so that they weren't cross eyed. He kept his hand on his cheek and kept rubbing his cheekbones.

"My baby" Robbe mumbled softly.

Sander kept looking at him. He doesn't know how long he stared at him. But he just did. Because he could. Because it was the most beautiful, gorgeous face he had ever seen. The face he wishes every morning to see and think about before falling asleep

Sander was pulled back to reality when Robbe spoke again. 

"You hurt, I hurt," Robbe said, and kissed his forehead. It was the softest kiss in the whole wide world.

Sander was crumbling like a piece of paper after hearing those words.. He didn't know what to do or to say. So he nuzzled his head further into the crook of Robbe's neck and pulled him impossibly close by his waist. There was no space left between them. They were chest to chest.

He felt Robbe's arms around him again, hugging him as tightly as he could.

The hug lasted, what seemed like for hours. 

  
  


"Are you ready to go?" Robbe whispered. 

Sander just nodded his head and pulled himself back from Robbe, letting go of the embrace which felt like the safest place on Earth to Sander.

_Can you hug me like this all the time?_

They got up and just started walking back towards the locker room. Sander was walking two steps ahead of Robbe. But Robbe caught up with him, intertwined their fingers together, and pressed his fingertips, ever so softly against Sander's knuckles. 

Sander shot his head up to look at Robbe. But Robbe wasn't looking back at him this time. He was looking at the ground, as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. 

So Sander followed his lead and kept walking, silently, Robbe by side.

They knew that by the time they would head back to the locker room, it would be empty and Sander was thankful for that. 

They didn't utter a word and Robbe don't nag him with questions either

_Theri understanding. They know what they need from each other in moments like these._

They headed straight for the showers.

Once, Sander was in the shower. Those words were echoing in his head. Over and over again.

_Baby._

_My baby._

_You hurt._

_I hurt._

_Oh no Robbe._

_\------------------------------------------------------------_

Sander was alone today. It was lunch break and he was alone, sitting under that tree. 

It's been a week since _that_ happened. 

  
  


Sander had stopped coming to school after that evening. He was gone for a whole week.

He didn't tell anyone why he disappeared. 

Yasmina, Noor, Zoe, everyone called. Amber even showed up at his house but he refused to see her too.

Sander wanted to be left alone. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to relive it. 

Robbe called him too. Left voice messages. Texted him. But Sender did not have the energy to return to those too. 

Sander was sad and exhausted. And he was extremely embarrassed. 

_I don't know how I am going to show my face in school._

_Everyone hates me on the team. They will laugh at me._

_I can't face the coach. I will die._

  
  


So after a lot of self depreciation and a lot of over thinking, Sander finally decided to show up.

The girls were thrilled to see him but did not bombard him with questions. They weren't mad at him either. They understood.. They respected his decision about why he didn't want to talk about it.

  
  


So here he was today. His first day of school after his break down. Sitting under the very same tree in the hope of, Robbe might show up. 

_It's been a week, Sander. He wasn't going to wait for you._

_He has better things to do. He has friends._

_He won't just sit here everyday, waiting for you to show up._

_You really have your hopes up._

_Just get up and-_

Sander was once again brought out his thoughts when we felt someone sitting beside him.

It was Robbed. 

_Fucking hell, he is gorgeous_

_Hi baby. I missed you._

"Hi!" Robbe greeted him with that beautiful smile of his.. 

"So, I see you finally decided to show up huh. Busy much?" Sander teased. 

_Please just go with it._

_I don't want to talk about it._

_Please don't ask me._

_Just. Go. With. It._

Of course Robbe got the message.

"Aaah, if I knew you were waiting for me, I would have run to you." Robbe smiled.

_I said those words to you on our second day._

"Well I am just glad you at least showed up" Sander sounded so sincere when he said that.

Robbe didn't say anything, he just looked at him and nodded lightly. 

Robber was wearing his signature attire and he looked flushed.

_Those curls, Robbe._

_I want to roll my fingers in those curls._

All of a sudden, Sander could feel something heavy in his throat. He was trying to swallow it down, but was failing miserably. His breathing was getting heavy and his eyes were turning glassy too.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Don't cry. It's been a week. You have cried enough. Don't cry now._

Before Sander knew what he was doing. He latched onto Robbe and hugged the shit out of him. 

_Oh my god, I missed your smell._

Robbe hugged him back. He buried his head in Sander's neck and mumbled "I missed you so much"

_I missed you too._

Sander just hugged him. He held on to him very tightly, just like the last time. 

He couldn't speak, because if he spoke he knew he would start crying. So he just made his grip tighter.

When Sander's breathing evened out, Robbe kissed his temple and pulled back from the hug. They were face to face now. And Robbe lifted his left hand to his cheek, so softly and lovingly. Sander was melting. 

"It's alright now Sander. Everything is okay. I am here for you. Always. " Robbe whispered.

Sander just nodded and they both sat there silently. They were holding hands now and Robbe's thumb was caressing Sander's knuckles very lightly.

_Everything is okay._

_You are here for me._

_Always._

_I think I might lo-_

_He is just a friend of Sander and he is a boy. A BOY._

_Please come back to your senses._

Both of their backs were against the tree trunk and they were looking at students, running around, screaming and laughing and fighting.

Sander put his head on Robbe's shoulder and Robbee put his head on Sander's head.

Sander was content. He was calm. It was like he could finally breathe again.

"You know, Halloween is around the corner. And, I for one really like Halloween" Robbe said.

"Mmhmmm"

"So, you know how popular I am, how people look up to me and people want all my attention?" Robbe was trying to lighten the mood.

"Uh huh" Sander chuckled. 

"Because I am so much in demand and people expect so much from me, I throw this Halloween party every year. And every student of our grade is invited and they are allowed to bring a plus one"

"Okay?"

"So I was hoping you would come too? Maybe? It will be fun, I promise."

"I don't know Robbe. Everyone would be there. The te.. team would be the.. there too. I am n.. not ready to face th.. them" Sander stammered. 

"Sander, I promise you, I won't leave you alone even for a minute. I swear. Please just come. Okay? Or just consider it?"

"Yeah okay." 

Sander wasn’t going to consider it. He wasn't going to that party. He knows it already

Robbe might have read his mind.

"And besides all your friends would be there too. Maybe not Yasmina. But Amber and Zoe and Noor and Britt. Just please please come. It would mean alot to me." Already trying to convince him. 

_Who am I to say no to you?_

"Urrghh. Fine. I will come. But you better not leave me alone"

"Oh I promise. And please dress up."

\------------------------------------------------------------

To say the least, Sander was booming with excitement. He was happy and thrilled and felt like jumping around like a little kid who just got his new phone.

Nobody had ever bothered to invite him to spend one little lunch break together, forget about a party.

But here he was, going to a Halloween party, hosted by the most popular guy in school, who personally invited him by the way.

Sander was ready to go. He waited for his friends to show up at his house and then they would leave together for the party. 

Sander was dressed as a painter. He was wearing white button down shirt, which had a lot of paint stains on it. Shirt was loose and looked kind of old, that is what he was going for. He left the first two buttons open. He paired it with black skinny jeans and white sneakers. Sneakers had paint stains on them too. 

He covered his hand, face and hair with a little bit of paint here and there, to make it seem more real. 

He was very comfortable with it and it was very _him._

Doorbell rang, and he ran for it. He opened the door and found Zoe, Amber and Noor, all dressed up. 

Zoe was dressed up as a zombie.

Noor was dressed up as a goth girl.

Amber was dressed up as tacos.

They all greeted each other, complimented each other, and then went for a group hug and giggled about it and then they left for the party.

  
  


Sander could hear the music from 2 houses down. He was so thrilled. It was his first high school party.

He just wanted to see Robbe. He wanted to see what he dressed up as. He wanted to hear him laugh. He wanted to dance the night away, with him. 

Sander was power walking now. Girls were in heels so they couldn't catch up and Sander didn't mind that at all. 

As expected, the house was fully packed. Everyone was dancing and laughing and drinking. 

_Don't drink much okay? Doesn't go well with your meds._

_Stick with soft drinks._

_But where is Robbe?_

_I would never be able to find him in the mess._

_Robbe. Robbe. Robbe. Robbe._

Sander's eyes were only searching for that boy. The boy with the fluffiest curls, who could be hot but at the same time was so cute, Sander's heart hurt. 

Sander kept looking, looking and looking. And he finally spotted him.

_Aahh haaaa_

_There he is. My baby._

He was standing near a wall, across the dance floor. Talking to some guy. A drink in his hand.

Robbe was dressed up as a scientist.

Robbe had glasses on and was wearing one of those lab coats, underneath it, it was some graphic t-shirt with a bunch of scientific formulas written on them. His hair was standing as if someone electrocuted him. He paired it with black jeans and white sneakers. 

_Jeans? Robbe is wearing jeans? I have never seen him in jeans._

Robbe still hadn't seen Sander. So Sander tried to make his way to Robbe.

There were so many people on the dance floor. It was hard to move. So much of push and pull of the bodies. Bodies that were sweaty and stinky. 

But all Sander could see was Robbe. Robbe was laughing now. Throwing his head back and laughing.

_I love seeing you laugh_

But as Sander was getting closer to him, he saw that Robbe was leaning towards the guy he was talking to. They got closer and closer, until their lips met. Robbe was smiling into the kiss.

Sander immediately stopped in his tracks. And he felt his heart drop. 

He couldn't process what was happening. It was like he was in shock and it seemed like that shock had made him lose the ability to move his body. 

He just couldn't stop looking at Robbe but at the same time he didn't want to see him like this. 

His brain was on fire but his body was frozen.

Robbe wrapped his arms around the boy's neck and pulled him closer.

Sander could see the other boy's hands were slowly disappearing underneath his shirt. 

It wasn't just kissing. It was turning into a heavy make out session. There was a lot of tongue and teeth and spit. It looked obscene. They were grinding against each other. Robbe was pulling his hair. And the guy pinned Robbe against the wall and started giving open mouthed kisses down his neck. 

Sander knows, if he was close enough, he could hear them moaning,

Robbe had his eyes closed and he looked so blissed out. 

There was a lot of pulling and pushing and sucking and licking.

Everything was burning inside Sander, as he saw the whole thing unfold in front of eyes.

He couldn't breathe. His head was spinning, spinning, spinning. 

So Sander turned and started walking. He just wanted to get as far as he could from that place. 

He could hear someone calling his name but he just didn't care.

Sander kept walking and walking and didn't stop walking until he reached his room. 

He crashed his body on the bed and fell into a very uncomfortable sleep.

  
  


_After that night, Sander had stopped showing up for their lunch dates._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well.. *nervously laughs*
> 
> And i know some of you might have expected their first kiss by the end of this chapter but it seemed important for me to show the development of their 'friendship.'  
> I just didnt want to jump ahead. it needed a built up.
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this.
> 
> Why do you think is going to happen next?
> 
> As usual, any kind of prompt or idea or feedback is always appreciated.


	4. Do not let him walk away.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some angst and then something we all have been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I am back with another chapter. I hope you like it.

Sander was lost. 

He was in his room. He was aware of his surroundings but he was lost. 

His brain was on fire and he was slowly losing all his senses. 

He was confused and his thoughts were overlapping each other. And he felt like he will lose his goddamn mind, if his thoughts won't stop.

  
  


It's Saturday morning and it's been more than 12 hours since he ran out of the party without telling anyone. 

His phone was blowing up all night, so he switched it off and tried to get some decent sleep. 

_He didn't get any._

  
  


Sander had been up for, he doesn't even know how long he's been up. But it's been a while.

He’s been staring at his ceiling while he kept replaying the whole _scene_ in his mind again and again and again, trying to understand what happened? Why it happened? And why did he react the way he did? Why couldn't he bare the fact that Robbe was kissing someone else. He knows Robbe is gay. The whole school know he is gay. That wasn’t a surprise. So why? 

Why is he so hurt? Why is his heart breaking every time he closes his eyes sees Robbe making out with that guy. Are friends supposed to feel like this? Are friends supposed to react the way he did when they see their friends kissing someone else, who is not them. Probably not. So why? 

Sander had no answers to those questions. Or maybe deep down he knew the answer to all these questions but was too afraid to consider them. 

The reason behind him feeling all of this sadness and heartbreak. He didn't want to think about it out loud. Thinking about it would make it real. Very real.

And Sander was in denial. So refused to even entertain the thought, why he might be feeling like this.

How many times does he have to remind his heart that he doesn't like boys. No. No! He didn't.

He had friends like Robbe before.

Well, maybe not _friends_ but he had spent time with boys before. Playing, fighting, hanging out. But he had never felt anything like this. 

_What is this feeling?_

_Why am I so freaked out about the fact that Robbe kissed someone else?_

_Why did I hate the fact that it wasnt me?_

_Why the fuck am I so... jealous?_

_Robbe and I aren't in a relationship. He doesn't owe me anything._

_Do I have feelings for him?_

_Is that it?_

_I don't have feelings for a boy. I just can't_

_People will call me a freak._

_I am already screwed up in my mind_

_I cant and wont give more reason to people to hate me, to make fun of me._

_I have to stay away from Robbe. I can't let this happen._

_————————————————————_

So when Sander went to school on Monday, he did just that. He stayed away from Robbe.

  
  


He had spent all Saturday thinking things over. Questioning EVERY single thing that had been said and done between them. Whether it was the lingering touches or the jokes they shared or the heart to heart conversations they had.

_What did I miss?_

_Maybe I am just jealous because Robbe promised me his full attention but then went on and started snogging some random guy._

_But, he didn't even know you were there. How the fuck was he suppose to give you any attention when you weren't even present there?!_

_Was he supposed to wait at the door for you?_

_Aaarrgghh!!!! I am losing my mind. I am legit losing it._

_I need to breathe. I don't want another panic attack._

So Sander tried his best to get some sleep at night. He did not succeed much, but he tried.

Sunday morning came and the same thing went over and over in his head.

He stayed in his room all day, just thinking and thinking and thinking. He was so scared to let the thoughts, he had tried so hard to suppress in these past two months, float above.

_I can't have feelings for a boy. I just can't._

He kept repeating this same sentence like a mantra. 

_I have to protect myself._

  
  


So here he was, having lunch with his friends instead of somewhere he is supposed to be, somewhere his heart was aching to be.

They were sitting in a circle, on the courtyard bench, directly under the sunlight and Sander made sure they were far enough from that _spot._

_He must be waiting for me._

_I didn't even inform him that I wasn't coming_

_But then what would I tell him when he asks why?_

_Oh my bab-_

_No. Sander no._

_It's okay though. Robbe is popular. He is always surrounded by his friends._

_He won't be alone._

_He will probably forget about you in a day or two._

_Just stop thinking about him._

"Sander? Helloooo.. someone in there? Saandderrr??!"

"Yeah.. yeah.. I am listening" Sander was brought back to the reality. I was Zoe who was trying to get his attention.

Sander looked up and took a quick scan around the circle and found that everyone's eyes were on him.

_Shit._

"Where are you? You have been so lost and quiet the whole day. Is everything alright?"

_No. No it isn't._

"Yes. Yes. Everything is good. I was just thinking about the English test. You know how I suck at English and I can’t afford to fail"

Sander could tell that Zoe wasn’t buying his story but she didn't push the subject either.

"Are you sure? There is nothing else going on?" Yasmina asked, she looked worried.

"Yes Yasmina, I am pretty sure. Everything is fine."

“Also dude, where did you go on Friday? You just disappeared into the thin air. Didn’t say anything, didn’t inform us that you were leaving and then when we texted you never replied. What happened all of a sudden. We literally had just gotten there?” Noor sounded upset.

Everyone was now once again looking at him, expecting an answer.

“Yeah I know. I am sorry about that. I didn’t mean to leave you guys hanging.”

“We don’t need an apology, Sander. We just want to know what happened.” Noor said

_Fuck. How do I get out of this now?_

“Uh.. uhhh… yeah, so dad called saying it was an emergency so I had to leave. Mum slipped and hurt her back.”

_I am going to hell for this._

Everyone’s expression softened.

“Is your mum alright now.” Amber asked.

“Uh huh. It was just a scare. She is fine now. Thank you for asking.”

“Is that why you have been so lost today?”

“Yeah yeah. That’s the reason. That's it I swear”

"So you sitting here with us, _during lunch_ doesn't have to do with you being so quiet today and zoning out on us." Amber cross questioned him, raising her eyebrow.

Sander eyes went wide, he was taken by surprise.

_Do they know about me and Robbe?_

_About the spot?_

_Fuck._

"Whhhat? No. Nooo. I was just missing you guys. I like hanging out with you guys, if you didn't know that already"

"Uh huh...okaayyy" Yasmina was giving _the eyes. 'I know you are playing us Sander'_ eyes.

‘Well just so you know, one of my friends was looking forward to meeting you. You missed the chance dude.” Noor said.

_I am not interested, Noor._

“Oh well, tell her I said sorry and I hope we get to meet some other time.”

_Liar_

‘Oh by the way strangest thing happened.”

“What?”

“Robbe Ijzemans was looking for you.”

Sander’s heart started racing.

“Whhat? Why?” It all came out squeaky.

“Well, I was hoping you could answer that for us. Are guys friends or something?”

“No” Sander said in a heartbeat.

_You are a terrible person._

“Well, maybe ask him next time you see him”

_I hope the ‘next time’ doesn't come for a long time.._

_Do they know that I am lying?_

_Can they sense it?_

_What if they come to know I am having_ 'something' _for Robbe._

_They don't know Sander. You can't be a freak._

_They will start treating you differently._

Rest of the lunch went by just like that. But all Sander could think about was Robbe. How sad or disappointmented he must be that Sander didn't show up and didn't even bother to inform him. 

  
  


After lunch, everything was a blur to Sander. 

Sander had managed to dodge Robbe the whole day. But he knows this can't last forever. He knows sooner or later he has to talk to Robbe, explain this sudden change in his behavior. But till then, Sander would keep his head down and mouth shut and ignore. 

————————————————————

Tuesday morning, the first thing Sander saw the moment he entered the school was Robbe. 

He was standing by the entrance of his classroom, talking to his friends, smiling.

_You look so nice today._

Sander duck his head, and started power walking. Trying really hard to go unnoticed but of course the universe had other plans.

"Sander!"

Sanser didn't stop, pretending he did not hear somebody calling his name.

"Hey Sander wait!" Wait,the voice didn't belong to Robbe, it was Amber's. So Sander stopped but did not look back. He could not risk being seen by Robbe. So he just stood there, waiting for Amber to catch up.

"Hey, Goodmorning" Amber said cheerfully. 

Sander just nodded his head and gave her a tight smile.

"Sander, hey, whats up? What's up with you? You look like a dead person. What's going on. You have been acting so weird lately" Amber stopped right in the middle of the corridor, facing him, sensing something is wrong.

"Amber" Sander pleaded.

"No. Just tell me. It's me Sander. You can talk to me. Come on. Please"

"Fine. I will tell you everything but please let's just get out of here. Sit with in the class, I will tell you everything."

Amber didn't seem convinced. 

"I promise. Okay? Just please. Let's go."

Amber didn't say anything but started walking towards their classroom.

"Sander!" 

_Fuck._

"Sanderr."

Sander turned around and saw Robbe standing behind him with that gorgeous smile on that face.

"Hi"

"Umm, hi Robbe"

_I am gonna die. The fuck._

_You are so beautiful._

_I wanna touch you._

_I miss touching you._

"How are you?"

“I am good. You?”

“Yeah I am good too”

Awkward silence.

“Hey is everything alright Sander?”

"Yeah.. yeah. Why?" 

"You didn't come to my party when you promised that you would. I waited for you the whole night. Everyone was there. And then you even didn't show up yesterday. Did you not come to school? or were you busy? Did something happen? Did I do something?"

_Oh baby. You didn't do anything._

_It's me. I am a coward._

_I can't accept these feelings Robbe_. 

"No. Nothing happened. I did come to the party actually, but then my dad called for an emergency and I had to leave. I am sorry about that."

"Oo..okay" He knows Robbe isn't convinced. Well, it really was the most idiotic excuse of the century.

"But why not at lunch yesterday? You could have at least informed me if you were busy or something. I was out there, sitting in the cold." Robbe sounded sad and hurt but not mad. He wasn't mad at Sander. 

_You are breaking my heart._

_Don't be sad. I am so so sorry._

"Oh..ummm..aahhh.." and then in the next moment, the bell rang for their 1st class.

_Oh thank God._

"Yeah, umm...I have to go. I can't be late. See you around."

Sander turned around and started walking.

_Just get out of here._

_Don't look back._

"Oh, but.. will you show up today for lunch? Should I wait?" He heard Robbe asking, but he ignored the question and kept walking and walking until he settled on his seat, beside Amber.

_My heart aches._

_I wanna cry. I really want to cry right now._

_Don't wait for me Robbe. I am not going to show up._

_Not now, not ever._

Sander was almost on the verge of crying. He felt so guilty for treating Robbe like that. He didn’t deserve it. No one in the world deserves to be treated like that. 

He could see, from the corner of his eye, that Amber was looking at him. She was so confused. But like why wouldn’t she be? She literally saw him 2 minutes ago and he was fine. What could have happened in those 2 minutes that Sander was in this state now.

But Amber didn’t ask him anything. She just rubbed his back to calm him down. It didn’t help much but he appreciated the gesture.

  
  


Robbe was an angel, he was Sander’s angel. He was the last person Sander wanted to hurt but he was trying to protect himself. It wouldn’t be possible if Robbe is right there, in front of him looking like _that._ Someone who Sander wanted to grab by his waist and kiss him till he forgets his own name. 

So Sander started treating Robbe like he didn’t exist for him anymore.

\------------------------------------------------------------

He was nervous. He was nervous and was freaking the fuck out.

It was Friday which meant a football practice match after school hours.

Sander had spent the whole day preparing a speech in his head, why he is leaving the team at such a crucial time when Sports day was literally in a few days. But the main reason for his nervousness was facing Robbe. He didn't want that. And he knows for a fact that Robbe would come up to him.

_He is going to be so disappointed in me._

_He went against everyone and gave a place in his team._

_And here you are, quitting it like a coward._

  
  


Sander had dodged Robbe in the past two days like a pro. 

He did get a glimpse of the boy, here and there, in the corridor or in the boys washroom or while leaving school at the end of the day or at a coffee shop where students go to hang out after the school ends but he made sure Robbe wouldn't be able to see him. All these incidents weren't planned. Sanser never knew where Robbe would be at what time. But he knew one place where he would exactly at what time.

_The spot._

You see, Sander couldn't resist not seeing Robbe at all. So, since that Tuesday, he has been hiding near a bush which was far enough from _the spot_ but also was the perfect place for a clear picture of the tree and the things surrounding it.. 

Sander wasn't surprised when he found Robbe sitting there all alone, looking at the exit of the building, as if waiting or hoping for someone to show up. 

Robbe's eyes did not leave that exit the whole lunch break and Sander's eyes did not leave Robbe's sad hurtful face.

_Robbe leave please. It's freezing out here._

Sander came back again on Wednesday, hiding meat that same bush finding once again Robbe sitting there all alone, lost in his thoughts, hoping Sander would show up.

_I am not worth the wait Robbe._

Sander was sure. He was sure that Robbe wouldn’t be there on the 3rd consecutive day of Sander ditching him. So just to make sure he was right, he again went to hide in those bushes on Thursday afternoon lunch break. Sander skipped a heartbeat when he saw Robbe sitting under that very same spot, wrapped in 100 layers, face flushed, teeth chattering against each other.

_Baby. Please don't do this to yourself._

_I am not going to show up Robbe. I am sorry._

Sander left with a very heavy aching heart.

  
  


So when the school ended on Friday, Sander bolted. He did not let him think any more, he didn't let himself talk him out of it. 

_Let's just get over wit it_

_Just go. Say your shit. Don't look around. And run to home_

Sander was getting more and more anxious as he got closer to the playground where he was sure all the teammates were already present.

When he reached the playground, his eyes automatically went to Robbe. For his sake, Robbe wasn't looking at him. Actually Robbe wasn't looking at anyone. He was sitting on the bench, with his head down, not moving at all. His body language was telling that he was tired and exhausted.

_Oh please just tell me you are just taking a break because you are tired_

_Tell me that_ this _isn't because of me._

_Where's your gorgeous smile?_

Sander took a deep breath and started walking towards where the coach was standing.

He could sense everyone looking at him and whispering while he crossed the field.

Sander cleared his throat to get the coach's attention.

"Aaah, Mr. Driesen. About time. Go change and start warming up. You are already 7 minutes late."

Sander kept standing there like a statue. He couldn't remember the words of the speech he prepared.

"Well? Move it Sander." The coach said, raising his voice just a little bit.

"Umm, actually coach I have come here to tell you that I won't be playing anymore. I am quitting."

To Sander's surprise, the coach's expression changed but it wasnt anger that Sander expected it was a relief.

"Really?" He was trying hard not to sound too excited but Sander could still hear it.

"Yeah. I don't think I am made for football. Or any sport actually."

"Well, damn right you aren't. Well at least now we have a chance to win."

Sander did not feel bad when the coach said that because the whole universe knows if he would have been playing his house would have zero chances to win. 

So sander just gave him an awkward tight lip smile.

"Well okay then. I should get going. Good luck."

Sander turned around and every single member of the team was staring at him. Even Robbe.

They made eye contact for a second or two but then Sander moved his gaze and started walking.

He could hear everyone cheering and clapping and thanking God for this _miracle._

_Just ignore and go._

_Don't look back._

"Sander!" 

_Oh fuck Ribbe._

_Don't stop. Keep walking_

"Sander..please. Just wait."

Sander did not stop walking.

"Sander please. I am begging you. Please just wait. Stop." Robbe sounded so defeated. His voice trembled at the end of the sentence. 

Sander stopped and turned around. He faced Robbe with a very unfriendly cold expression. 

"Can we please talk for a minute?"

"Robbe.. I need-"

“Why did you quit the team? Why didn't you tell me?”

“I just don't fit in this. I am not a sports person. And I am sorry I didn't tell you. Okay?

Robbe just nodded his head.

“Okay but can we talk? Please? I need to tell you something”

“Robbe, I really can’t”

"Sander please. I need you. I want to talk to you. Please" His eyes were glassy. 

_Don't cry Robbe._

_I am so sorry. I am just trying to protect myself._

"I really have to go. Noor is waiting for me" and before robbe could say anything, Sander left.

He doesn't know if he was imagining it or the words were really spoken but heard a very soft, broken "Sander please. I miss you." But Sander didn't ponder upon it. He kept walking.

_Please stay away from.me._

_I can't just be your friend._

_And I refuse to be something more._

_I am not ready._

\------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a week since Sander saw Robbe. Sander doesn't know what to feel. Should he be relieved that Robbe finally got the message? Or should he be sad and hurt that Robbe had started ignoring him too.

He knows he doesn't have a right to be sad over the fact that Robbe had stopped trying because it was him who started all this drama. It was him who ignored and hurt Robbe constantly in the past few days without any explanation. But his heart was still sore.

  
  


The first time it clicked for Sander that Robbe was done with him too was when, like clockwork, he was again hiding in those bushes on the Monday afternoon lunch break, wanting to look at Robbe because he misses him now. But this time it wasn’t Robbe who was waiting for Sander to show up. It was Sander who waited the whole break in those bushes, freezing for Robbe to show up. 

Robbe never did.

Sander went back again the next day thinking that maybe Robbe didn’t come to school on Monday. But there was no trace of Robbe on Tuesday either.

By Friday Sander was sure that Robbe had stopped coming. Sander was sad. 

_This is what I wanted right?_

  
  


It was once again Friday, as it was compulsory for every student to participate in sports day, one way or another. Sander opted for art. He volunteered to help in making banners and posters for the sports day. 

So here he was, in the school auditorium sitting in a corner on the stage with a bunch of other students, working on a banner. Truth to be told, he was actually quite enjoying it. He was happy that he didn’t have to feel like he was going to die from all the running he had to do. He was very much fine with sitting in a corner, doing what he absolutely loves doing.

Sander was so lost that he didn’t even realise that the students were leaving the auditorium as school was coming to an end. 

For a while, Sander had forgotten about all the mess and problems and the hurt. 

_Another day, no Robbe._

“Sander you coming?” Some boy with specs asked him.

Sander sighed and pulled himself up, looking around he released he was the last one to leave. The auditorium was so silent.

As he was about to leave he heard a sniffling from the very right corner of the auditorium.

“Umm.. Sander?”

“Uhh.. yeah you go on. I will catch up with you later.”

Sander looked around. Looking for the source of that sound.

He found someone sitting on the ground, hiding between all the chairs.

_Is that..? Robbe?_

Yup, it definitely was Robbe. He could recognize those curly brown hair anywhere in the world.

Sander decided to start walking towards him just to make sure he isn’t wrong.

He saw that Robbe’s face was in his palms, his shoulders were shaking uncontrollably.

_Fuck._

_Is he crying?_

_Why is my baby crying?_

_Oh no Robbe._

His heart was beating faster and faster as he got closer to Robbe.

They haven't talked in two weeks. Sander has been nothing but mean and cruel towards Robbe.

_Oh Robbe. I am so sorry._

_Please tell me I am not the reason you are crying like this. Please._

_That's quite selfish Sander._

Sander was now standing in front of him. But because Robbe's head was in palms and he was busy crying, of course he didn’t realise that someone was hovering over his head. 

Sander hesitated for a minute and decided to sit beside Robbe. 

Sander cleared his throat and whispered "Ro.. Robbe?"

No reaction

Maybe he didn't hear him or maybe he knows it’s Sander and he doesn’t want to talk to him anymore.

Sander tried again, this time it was more than a whisper. "Robbe?"

The way Robbe's body went rigid, Sander knew he heard him this time. But he didn't budge. He didn't move. His face was still in his palms and Sander could tell he was trying really hard to control the shakiness of his shoulders.

"Hey Robbe, what's wrong?"

No answer.

"Please Robbe, tell me what's wrong? Why are you here, all alone? Why are you crying?"

Again, no answer.

Well Sander deserved it and he didn't expect anything less either. The way he has been treating Robbe, he should be thankful that Robbe hasn't punched him yet.

"Robbe please tell me whats wrong?"

"As.. as if you ca.. care". Robbe mumbled, still didn't move his head. Still crying.

"Oh Robbe, of course I care." Sander waited for a moment, when there was no response he continued "Please Robbe, tell me what's wrong. Are you crying because of me?"

No answer.

"Robbe plea-"

"Leave me alone Sander." Robbe finally raised his head and was looking directly at Sander. He sounded angry but sad. 

His face was red and his eyes were puffy, which meant that he's been crying for a while now. His cheeks were flushed, lips parted and his hair was a mess.

_Still so fucking beautiful._

"You are very good at that. Leav.. leaving me alone I me.. mean it" Robbe continued, trying to sound bitter but it was just sadness in his voice.

_Oh baby._

_What have I done?_

_How did I manage to ruin one good thing in my life_?

"I am so sorry Robbe. Please forgive me. I don't know what came onto me. I was try-"

"You couldn't ev..even look at me San.. Sander. You stopped co..coming to that spot. You never eve.. even expl..explained what I did wro.. wrong" Robbe was crying again, his lower lip was quivering and he was trying to control all of it but he couldn't. Big fat tears were running on his face.

He was sniffling like a baby and Sander couldn't help but get teary eyed. 

_Oh baby. I am so sorry. I am an idiot._

_I lov-_

"I am sorry baby" Sander mumbled and he couldn't understand what he said so wrong because in the next moment, all he could hear was Robbe sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. He let his head fall back against the wall and closed his eyes. The tears were going in his ears now. 

They sat there like that. Sander felt guilty and dying inside. Robbe crying his heart out, sounding so broken.

All Sander wanted was to touch him. Physical touch was their language. It communicated everything they wanted to say without actually saying it. 

But Sander didn't touch him. Didn’t hug him. Didn't hold his hand. Hell, he didn't even sit close to Robbe. 

Because Sander wasn't sure if Robbe still wanted to feel his touch. Because he wasn't sure if he still had the right to do so.

So they just sat there. How long? No one knows.

Sander couldn't take this silence anymore.

"Robbe?" Sander was sounding scared. Scared that Robbe might just burst and say things that will break his heart in the same way he has been breaking Robbe's heart these past two weeks.

"I have to go" Robbe was standing up already. He was ready to leave. He was wiping his tears away and fixing his hair. 

_He is walking away, Sander._

_Do not let him walk away._

_Stop him._

_Fuck your fears_

_Let it all go._

All Sander managed to do was hold Robbe's wrist, very lightly, in order to stop him. His thumb pressing against the pulse point.

"Please wait. I am sorry. Please don't go Robbe. Just talk to me. Give me shit. Yell at me. Just please don't leave. We can fix this. Please Robbe. I will apologize a thousand times a day. I will do anything you say. I won't bother you after thi. if that's what you want. I know things I did and things I said were horrible and hurtful and I am so sorry. I'm just so selfish, I didnt think about you. I didn't know how it would affect you. I am so sorry Robbe. Just please" Sander was sounding so desperate. The tears were rolling down his face too. He just wants all this misery to be over.

If Sander was teared up earlier, he was crying now. Like really crying, begging for forgiveness. 

Robbe was looking down at him. A tear rolling down on his face. 

He didn't say anything, but quietly settled himself beside Sander. 

They both needed a minute to collect themselves. So they just did that.

Sander scooted himself, and got closer to Robbe, their shoulders touching. Robbe didn't flinch or move away. So that was a good sign. 

Sander was pushing his luck now. He doesn't know where he got the courage from, but he took Robbe's hand and intertwined their fingers together, placing them on his thigh. Robbe didn't flinch away from that either. 

_Yes Sander. Yes._

_Now dont act stupid and fix this mess that you created._

Sander moved his head and was looking at Roobe, his side profile.

_My soft soft baby._

"Say something please" 

"I wasn't crying just because of you." Robbe said, a moment later. "I mean you definitely were 50% of the reason I was crying. But it wasn't all you."

"Then what is it?"

Robbe just shook his head. What does that mean?

_It doesn't matter?_

_He doesn't want to talk about it?_

_He doesn't want to share it with Sander?_

"Please Robbe. Just tell me. You can tell me anything."

He could see that tears were once again forming in the corner of Robbe's eyes. He was biting his lower lip as if to stop himself from crying.

"Robbe" Sander whispered, so softly, asking him to continue. To say something. 

"It's just my dad" His voice was trembling.

Sander resorted to silence, waiting for Robbe to continue. 

"He is gonna kill me, Sander" 

"What? Wha- what are you talking about?"

_What the fuck?_

_Kill? As in murder?_

_WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?_

_Is Robbe a victim of domestic violence?_

_Should I inform the pol-_

"I failed my Maths exam Sander."

_Oh my fucking God._

_He is going to be the death of me_

_My heart stopped beating for a second._

_And I am the dramatic one!?! Huh_

"Okay?" 

"And I have never failed any test, let alone an exam. None. Ever. And then everyone in the class was laughing at me. They made jokes and they told everyone in the school about it. My teacher scolded me in front of the whole class. It was a horror show, Sander. It was so bad. And I haven't told my dad yet and I don't know how. I am so scared he mig-"

"Wait Robbe, when did you get this math result?"

"Umm, a week ago." Robbe was crying again. His voice was shaking, terribly. 

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. My. God_

_A week?_

Sander remembered last Friday when Robbe approached him, looking defeated, asking him if they could talk and Sander just made some lame ass excuse and walked away.

_I left him alone._

_He needed me, and I walked away._

_Fucking hell Sander._

"Oh Robbe". Sander's heart clenches. He looked at Robbe. He had his head down, sobbing. His shoulders shaking from all the crying. 

Sander was breaking too. He was crying too.

They both were crying. When one is hurt, the other hurts too.

_You hurt, I hurt._

They cried for a while. 

Sander cried silently while Robbe was crying so hard, he was having a hard time breathing.

Sander was sure school was coming to an end. He was sure his friends must be waiting for him. 

But Robbe needed Sander and Sander wouldn't be anywhere else in the world.

Sander couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't see his baby hurt. It was too much for him. Too much. He had never felt something like this for anyone. Robbe was definitely something more to him than just a friend.

Sander unlocked their fingers, grabbed Robbe by his waist, guided him onto his lap and wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him closer. 

Robbe's knees were on the each side of Sander's thigh and in a beat, Robbe latched onto him. His arms around Sander's shoulders, and his his face in Sander’s neck 

They held onto each other so tight. Robbe who’s holding onto him like he’s never been held before, like he’s never been comforted before, like he’s never had a chest to cry into before.

Sander started running his fingers through Robbe's hair while the other one was still tightly wrapped around his waist.

"I.. I needed you San.. Sander. I even ca.. came to you.. b.. but you ign..ignored me and walk..walked away. Wh..why?" Robbe mumbled. 

Sander wanted to scream. 

If someone would have stabbed him at that very moment, 100 times maybe that would have hurt less than the words which were coming out of Robbe's mouth.

"I j..ju.. just want to under.. understand.. what did I..I do so wro..wrong that you star..started hatin..hating me."

"Oh baby you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn't do anything. And I don't hate you. I could never ever hate. I am sorry. I was an idiot. And you are perfect. You didn't do anything wrong. I promise. Okay?"

No answer.

"Okay Robbe? I need you to say it. I promise you it wasn't your fault okay?"

Sander heard a very soft, barely audible "okay".

Robbe moved to get closer to Sander. As if he was trying to merge himself in Sander, as if trying to hide himself from the world. As if he knew Sander would protect him from everything. Even air did not have any space to go through between them.

Once they were settled, Robbe cried his heart out.

Sander let him. It didn't matter if he had to sit there all night with Robbe on lap, clinging onto him, he would do it without even thinking twice.

  
  


Time went by, how much? None of them had any idea. 

Robbe was still on his lap, didn't move an inch, hiding his face in Sander's neck and just softly sniffling and Sander was in the same position too. One hand in Robbe's hair, making patterns on the scalp, trying to sooth him and another hand around Robbe's waist, holding him in place.

Robbe started pulling back from the hug. He wasn't looking at Sander, as if he was embarrassed or something.

He wiped his tears away but he kept his head down.

Sander moved his hand and held him by his chin to raise his head, so that he would look at him.

Robbe's eyes were swollen and were so red. Sander's heart hurt

They were looking at each other. Sander wiped Robbe's hair from his forehead so that he could have a proper look at his boy.

"Hey" Sander whispered, beaming at Robbe.

"Hi". Robbe was shy. 

Sander brought his warm hand to Robbe’s face, cupping and stroking it gently, his eyes trying to memorize every little detail of Robbe's face.

"My beautiful baby". Sander mumbled under his breath. 

Robbe gasped after hearing those words. He could feel the heat in his face. He was soft and he was blushing.

To Robbe's surprise, Sander leaned in and kissed his right cheek, then left cheek, forehead, the space between the brows, his temple and his nose.

Robbe had closed his eyes. It was too much for him.

He made a very embarrassing noise when he realised Sander was kissing his wet eyelashes. First the left one and then the right one.

Robbe slowly opened his eyes, finding Sander was already looking at him, smiling. Robbe couldn't help but smile back.

His arms still around Sander's neck, and just like the last time, their noses were brushing against each other and their foreheads were almost touching.

Robbe caught Sander looking at his lips. But he didn't make a move. He waited for Sander to make a move.

Sander on the other hand, was already leaning in, his hands were now on the back of Robbe's neck, playing the strands of his hair and the other was placed on his waist again.

It was the sweetest kiss. It wasn't even a kiss, it was just a peck, a very chaste peck on Robbe's soft lips.

_I have been wanting to do that for a long time now._

_Your lips are so soft baby._

Sander pulled back, an unsure expression on his face.

_Fuck. Did I go too far?_

_Did I read the whole situation wrong?_

_Was I supposed to do that?_

_Robbe is gonn-_

His thoughts melted away, when he felt those delicious pink lips on his lips again.

This time, it wasn't just a peck, it was a proper kiss. Sander opened his mouth and welcomed the kiss. 

Sander buried his hands in Robbe's hair and pulled him closer, into a deep kiss. 

Robbe was kissing him back with the same passion. This kiss wasn't urgent. It was slow and languid. 

Sander tried to pour all of his feelings into that kiss. His mind was dizzy and it was spinning.

_Robbe. Robbe. Robbe. Robbe._

Sander used his hand to tilt Robbe's head at an angle to kiss him even deeper.

The time stopped for them. It was like they were the only two people in this whole universe now.

No one else existed, nothing else mattered.

  
  


The kiss turned dirty in no time. There was tongue involved now and spit and whines and moans coming from both the ends. 

They might have forgotten for a moment that they were still in school premises and anybody could walk in and find them in _that_ position. Doing _that._

They kissed and kissed and kissed. 

They kissed like they have never been kissed before. They kissed like lovers kiss. They kissed like one might disappear the moment they stopped kissing.

So they kissed.

Robbe ravaged Sander, made him whine and moan from simply being kissed. 

Sander doesn’t think anyone has ever been kissed this passionately, this urgently.

_I could kiss you every single minute of every single day._

_I love the way you taste Robbe._

They finally parted, both breathing heavily, gasping for oxygen. 

Their foreheads were touching, a small smile ghosting their faces. 

Sander cupped his face again, ever so softly and gave a peck on his lips. And then one more and then one more and then one more.

Robbe was giggling like a baby. Sander grinned.

_Aah, I would do anything in my power to hear you giggle like this for the rest of my life._

"So we kissed" Robbe said, blushing really hard, after Sander finally stopped.

"Yeah I guess, that's what we did" 

"Hmmm, I liked it, I really liked it."

"I really liked it too." 

"Did you like it enough that you would do it again maybe? Sometime in near future?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. Can I think about it?" Sander was teasing him.

"Sanderrrr" Robbe whined, snuggling his face against Sander’s chest, bringing his arms around Sander's waist.

Sander laughed. "Oh baby, of course I would do it again. As many times as you want. What kind of question was even that?"

"Mmhhmm, me too"

They just sat there, wrapped around each other. Breathing each other in.

"I think we should go. We have been here for a while. Everyone must be worried" Robbe mumbled. 

"Yeah okay" 

They pulled back from each other. Robbe got up first, offered his hand and helped Sander get up.

Robbe kissed him one more time, just for a good measure and they walked out of the auditorium, hand in hand, giggling and stealing glances at each other. 

  
  
  


_So, as it turns out, Sander not only liked boys but was also in love with one of them._

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. I think that went well. :)
> 
> Share you thoughts with me. what did you think?  
> Also, any kind of feedback, ideas and prompts are very much welcomed here.
> 
> P.S- I have my uni online classes, starting in a week or so. i will try to squeeze one more chapter with in that week but after that the uploads might be bit more late than usual.


	5. You left me alone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ummm, I dont know what to say about this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am back with another chapter. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Sander was on cloud nine. 

He couldn't believe he got to have _this_. Someone special. Someone who understands him. Someone who could actually like him for him. 

The truth is nobody ever gave him a chance to be someone who can be liked or loved. Everyone was busy making him cry or sad or fun of him at every chance they got. They never gave him an opportunity to show what he has to offer.

This feeling he is feeling at this moment, while laying in his bed on a Saturday morning was something he had only dreamed about. He had seen people joyful and happy and so in love but was never able understand what _the_ feeling would be like. 

But here he was, finally able to feel _this_ , whatever _this_ was. Happiness? Peace? Love? Maybe everything at once. 

Sander had been let down by people who were his friends or were supposed to be his friends, so much that he had started to believe that this is all he deserved. That it won't ever get better than this. Better than having flings from time to time, dating someone for a few months here and there. That was it. 

He believed that he did not deserve to have something more, something deep like love and emotional attachment with someone.

But then things changed for him when he joined his new school. It was like his world flipped upside down. Everything he wished for, he got. He wanted friends, real good kind friends, he got them. He wanted better teachers, empathic ones he got it. He wanted people to see him as a person, his wish was granted. 

No one bullied him, no one made fun of him, and even if he was made fun of, he had his friends kicking their asses. 

Sander didn’t want anything else. He was happy and he was content. It was more than he asked for.

But one thing he didn't wish for because he knew there was no scope, was love. Someone to love him. Someone with whom he could have deep conversations with but also can share the lamest jokes of all time. Someone with whom he could pour his heart out to, share his fears and insecurities with, without being judged. Someone he could cry in front of when feeling sad over stupid things but also to laugh with, so hard that there are tears in his eyes. He wanted _that._ But he didn't wish for it. Because in the past, he had been judged, made fun of his insecurities and had become a topic of gossip.

But then Robbe happened and his world just stopped. He felt something inside him. He had just seen the boy and he knew _he was the one_. How? And why him? Sander had no answer to his questions but Sander knew Robbe was going to be everything he had ever wished and craved for.

He had never seen such a beautiful boy. 

All he wanted was to be near him, smell him, touch him, taste him, feel him. He was already addicted to him, he couldn’t think starlight anymore and the fact that they hadn’t even spent more than five minutes together was bizarre to Sander.

But Sander was in denial. He knew that he did not like boys. It wasn’t something he had ever pondered upon because it never was an option to begin with. He had only dated and had flings with girls. Only girls.

But clearly the universe had another plans.

Since their first kiss, which happened last evening, Sander couldn’t stop thinking about it. The moment they separated their ways to head him, all he wanted was to run back to Robbe, grab him by his waist, pin him against the wall and kiss the living daylights out of him. 

All the way home, he kept replaying that kiss in Hialeah again and again and smiling like a fool. He was so happy and giddy. When his mum asked what was up with him? 

_Oh nothing much mum. I just had the best kiss of my life, with a boy who I am crazy about._

_And guess what? He is crazy about me too._

_Isn’t that all so crazy?_

“Oh nothing mum. I just had a good day. That’s all” Sander giggled.

  
  


After their first kiss, all they have been doing is constantly texting each other. Talking about everything and nothing in particular.

But that wasn’t enough for Sander. He wanted Robbe by his side and he was not willing to wait till Monday. So when he saw the opportunity he took it.

_Just see how it goes._

_If he is fine with seeing you on monday that's fine._

_But if he insists on seeing you tomorrow. Just ask him._

_Asking won't hurt, Sander._

You see, on Sundays Sander's parents go out for the whole day, to have some alone time for themselves. It was their tradition actually. To spend Sundays together, just the two of them. So they go out to watch a movie or have lunch dates or whatever they plan to do that Sunday.

So every Sunday, Sander is all alone in his house, which he secretly was very much thankful for.

  
  
  


Robbe <3

09:23

So you sure you can’t see me today. ☹️

Not even for 5 minutes?

I really can’t baby. I have football

practice and you know the 

Coach feels if we come late or skip.

Yeah okay, you are right. I am sorry for

acting like such a baby.😓

You are not acting like a baby Sander.

You think this is easy for me? I wanna 

be with you too.❤️😩

Aaah!!! I hate this.

Me too 😭

Well, we will see each other on Monday

I guess?

Monday??? That’s too far Sander.

Can’t you see me tomorrow?🥺

I really wanna see you and touch 

you and kiss you.

Fuck Robbe. Don’t say things like that.

🥺🥺🥺

Okay you know what? I can see

you tomorrow. In fact we can actually 

spend the whole day together. If

you are up for it?

Well of course hell yeah. The whole

day? Just the two of us?👅

Yes baby. Just the two of us.❤️

Okay I am interested. But how?

Come over to my house around 10 

in the morning tomorrow. Can you

manage that? 🤔

Yeah of course. But Sanderrr…

you parents? We won’t be able to..

You know ‘do things’ together.🙈

Oh my gooddd Mr. ijzermans. What are

planning to do with me? Scandalous 💦

Eww. Sander no. I meant kissing 

and all. Get you head out of the

gutter mister.

Ohh. Oooooh. Okie. But I wouldn’t mind

doing more than that. 😏

Sanddeeeeerrrr!!!

Yeah okie sorry. So as I was saying.. 

my parents won’t be home the whole 

day so we can just chill in my room

the whole day and ‘do things’ 👅

Wow. Okay. So we the whole 

house to ourselves?

Yes. That's what I mean by 'my

parents won't be home' 😒

Ummm, wow okay

If you are not okay with this, 

we can meet at a Cafe or something. 

I just want you to be comfortable. 

NO No Nooooo. I am very

much comfortable baby. Its

you i wanna spend time 

with. Inside or outside doesn't

matter to me. ❤

Okay then. I will see you tomorrow.

Have fun at the practice. 👀

Thank you. I will see you soon

then. Byyyeeee 💋💋

Byyeee ❤

  
  
  


So, here he was waiting for Robbe, his gorgeous beautiful boy to show up.

Sander had cleaned his room, sprayed air freshner, changed his outfit thrice, spent a lot of time fixing his hair wanting to look good for Robbe.

So finally he decided to go with a baby blue tee with black skinny jeans with his black go-to converse.

The whole morning he was giddy and cheerful. He had a feeling that it was gonna be one of the best days he ever had in his life and he was very excited for it.

_He is coming. Robbe is coming._

_Oh my god heart is beating so fast._

_Should I jump up and down, screaming like a girl? Maybe that will release some of my excitement._

_Am I nervous too? I really can't tell_

_It's all too much._

_OH MY GODDDD HE IS COMING!!!_

Sander was now pacing around the house, not being able to sit in one place and wait for Robbe to show up, patiently. He had already stacked up his room with all kinds of snacks because he doesn't know what Robbe likes the best. He does have some idea, but just in case. He also had movies on his laptop. He spent the whole Saturday evening downloading some good romantic sappy movies and of course video games to play with Robbe.

The wait was finally over when he heard the doorbell ring. 

_He is here. He is here!! He is fucckking here!!!!_

_I really need to calm down mahn. I will freak him the fuck out._

He ran so fast for the door, not wanting Robbe to wait even for 10 seconds, and in the process of doing so he might have cramped one of the muscles in his ankles, but does he care about that right now?

Nope.

_Relax. Deep breath. In from the nose, out from the mouth._

_Okay. Now smile. And open the damn door._

He stopped in front of the door, took a deep breath, fixed his hair and his clothes, put up his best smile and opened the door.

Sander didn’t even get a chance to say hey to him and before he could even understand why he felt Robbe's weight on his body. He stumbled back but quickly gained balance and realised that Robbe had thrown himself on him, hugging him really tight, his face in the crook of Sander's neck. Sander hugged him right back, holding him by his waist and laughed.

"Wow. Looks like someone missed me.. alot" 

"Mhhmmm" 

"Well I missed you too baby" Sander kissed his hair once, twice or well maybe three times because he could.

Robbe raised his head, still clung onto him and started kissing Sander all over the face.

“Wow, hey” Sander was taken by surprise. A very pleasant surprise. A surprise he would never ever complain about.

“Oh my godd, Robbeee.” Sander giggled, letting Robbe have his way with him.

But then those sweet soft kisses started turning into licking and open mouth kisses pressed on his jaw, his neck and then finally on his lips. Sander was more than happy to return those kisses, equally dirty.

Robbe was getting impatient. He started tugging Sander’s hair, a loud moan escaped from Sander's mouth. Roaming his hand all over his back. 

“Woah baby, let me at least see you properly” Sander said between the kisses.

“No, just kiss me. Please just kiss me. I missed you so much”. Robbe begged, parted for a second and then dove back into sucking and marking his skin on the neck.

“Hey Robbe wait. Baby please ” Sander turned his head on the other side, making Robbe stop.

“Whhhaaat” Robbe whined, unlocking his arms around Sander's shoulders.

“Let me at least close the door yeah? Don’t want to give my neighbours a show, early in the morning.”

Robbe pouted. It was the cutest pout. So Sander leaned in to kiss that pout and closed the door behind them.

Sander finally got the chance to look at Robbe properly. He was looking so handsome yet so soft. He was wearing a black sweatshirt, blue jeans and his white sneakers. 

_Black is definitely his colour. He is so small and pretty._

_And those curls. I never want to stop touching them._

Robbe had already walked in, looking around , taking everything in. 

Sander caught up with him and made Robbe squeak when Sander snaked his arms around Robbe’s waist. 

He put his chin on Robbe's shoulder and whispered very softly "Hi"

"Hi baby" Robbe smiled, turning his sideways to look at Sander.

Sander kissed his cheek.

_So so so soft._

"So no parents huh?"

"Nope. It's just us." Sander started pressing feather light kisses on Robbe's neck, making him squirm. He tilted his further to give more access to Sander.

He went further up and nibbled his jaw, licked his ear lobe-

"Sandderrr" Robbe moved away in a quick motion and turned himself around , now face to face with Sander. Sanders' hand shifted down low from his waist and was now holding him by his hip.

Robbe’s hands found their home around Sander's neck.

"We have plenty of time to do that later" Robbe whispered, brushing their noses together, a teasing smile on his face. "First show me your room first"

“So impatient huh.” Sander said, licking his own lips, knowing how it would affect Robbe..

“Aarrghh Sander” Robbe jokingly rolled his eyes and slapped his chest lightly.

"Okay okay.. sorry." Sander kissed his nose, moved his hand from Robbe’s hip and grabbed his hand and led him to his room.

  
  


Sander's room was how every regular teenager’s room is. Cozy, warm, walls filled with pictures and drawings and posters, with bed in the middle of the room, a side table on the left of the bed, a huge closet on the right side, a french balcony at a distance but beside the closet. A huge study table in front of the bed and a slab to keep his thing beside the study table.

“Woooahh you made these?” Robbe was pointing at a sketch, sounding genuinely impressed.

“Uhh yeah, I mean they are not _that_ good but I like them.” Sander said shyly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“What are you talking about? They are perfect.” Robbe said, now checking out the other drawings which were stuck on the wall.

“Do you like them?” Sander sounded surprised because no one had ever complimented his sketches and called them ‘perfect’

“Of course. They are amazing. Would you draw something for me too?” Robbe looked at Sander, beaming at him.

“Of course. Anything you want.” Sander said, while walking towards where Robbe was And stood beside him.

Robbe turned around facing Sander, beaming at him, looking at him like he is the only person in this whole world who matters.

Sander couldn’t take it, no one had ever seen him with _that look._ It made him feel overwhelmed.

_Stop looking at me like that._

So, Sander grabbed his hands and led him towards the bed. He fell on the bed, his back against the mattress and pulled Robbe on top of him, his body buried under his weight.

They were so close, foreheads touching and noses brushing against each other.

_Can I have this forever?_

_You make my heart race Robbe._

“Hey beautiful “ Sander whispered.

“Hi baby” Robbe’s cheeks were turning red, not being used to being called such things.

They just pause for a moment, looking at each other, taking it all in, smiling and giggling.

If they listen carefully, both of them can listen to their hearts pounding against their chest so loudly. 

It's not like they have never been close to each other, physically. But they know that this time it's different. 

This time, it's something they have wished for, for a long time. They wanted this. Both of them, and very much so equally.. 

Their touches and laughs and hugs and forehead kisses were the indicators of them wishing this. _This._ Whatever they have at this very moment.

Sander couldn't wait anymore. They have gone a whole day and a half without seeing each other, without touching and kissing each other. So Sander wrapped his arms around Robbe’ shoulders, brought him closer than they already were and pulled him into a deep kiss. 

The moment their lips met, Sander felt fireworks going off in his head. His mind went numb and all he could think about the boy who was in his arms, kissing him back, so lovingly.

_Robbe. Robbe. Robbe. Robbe. Robbe._

_God, I love the way you taste._

_How do you have such soft lips?_

_And the cute noises you make. Robbe!!!!_

He licked Robbe's lower lip, asking for permission to be let in, and Robbe opened his mouth a little bit wider allowing Sander’s tongue to lick his mouth and suck his tongue

He was tugging Robbe's hair a bit harder than he should, hoping to make him whine. Which Robbe did, very loudly.

The kiss was all the tongue and wetness. They sounded obscene. 

Robbe started grinding against him and Sandr lifted to him in the middle, grinding back harder.

They were so hungry for each other. 

they were not kissing anymore, but literally eating each other's mouth off. 

Sander moved his lips away, making whine Robbe. Sander quickly moved his lips down Robbe’s throat, his neck, kissing it, licking into it.

They were a sight to look at, latched at the lips, moaning obscenities, and grinding Against each other. 

Robbe felt Sander's hands move down to his back, settling really low on his hips, kneading his skin. It made Robbe moan, loudly. 

They kept making out, tongues swirling together, saliva drooling down their chins. 

Robbe hands were roaming around down his chest, stomach, waist feeling him up.

Sander started to slip his hands underneath Robbe's sweatshirt, touching his warm soft skin. It roamed around his back, trying to memorize how his skin feels, touching every muscle, every bump and evry dip.

They were so lost in each other. 

Sander pulled Robbe's sweatshirt almost halfway up but he couldn't move it further. 

It took a moment for him to realise that robbe had also stopped kissing him. 

Sander opened his eyes and found Robb's hands on his wrists, stopping him from removing his sweatshirt.

_Fuck. What did I do?_

Sander looked at him in confusion, in worry.

"What's wrong?" Sander frowned, sounding out of breath.

Both of them were panting, gasping for air as they parted. Lips all wet and swollen. Cheeks flushed.

"Uhh nothing, I just.." Robbe stuttered, pulled himself back a little bit.

_Fuck._

"Oh my gooddd I am sorry. I got carried away, Robbe. I really shouldn't have-" Sander was packing.

_You can't do one thing right. Can you?_

"Whaaat? No no.. Sander, it's nothing like that" Robbe jumped right in to assure him. Robbe knows how fast Sander's mind spirals.

_Uurrgghh, you are too good to me._

"I made you feel uncomfortable I am so stupid. I am sorry Robbe please." Sander hid his face in his hands and mumbled. 

_You are such an idiot Sander. Why can't you be patient?_

_He is gon-_

"Hey Sander..baby, look at me" Robbe spoke so softly, Sander could cry. He held his wrists to move them away from.his face. 

Sander groaned and let Robbe move his hands so that they could look at each other.

"I promise you, you didn't make me feel uncomfortable. If anything you made me feel so good and so very happy. Okay?" Robbe gave him an assured smile.

Robbe moved a bit and was now straddling Sander's lap while Sander was still laid in his bed.

_What a sight!_

Robbe moved his hands and cupped his cheek, stroking them so lightly, it made Sander whimper.

"Yes Okay" Sander whispered. 

Sander tilted his head and kissed Robbe's palm. It made Robbe smile.

Sander slowly raised himself up, his back against the headboard, lap still full of Robbe.

They sat just like that. 

Robbe moved his hands and started playing with the strands of Sander's hair behind his neck, making Sander close his eyes and just enjoy the soft touches for the moment. 

Every once in awhile, Sander's whole body would shudder as Robbe would touch a sensitive spot, absent-mindedly 

_I wanna kiss you again._

None of them said anything for a whole.

Just sat there. In peace and quiet. Enjoying each other's company. 

But soon the silence was becoming too much for Sander because he knows this isn't the comfortable silence they always felt around each other.. So he decided to pick up the conversation. 

"Well? Is something on your mind?" His eyes were still closed, still blissed out because of all the soft padding of Robbe's finders against his skin.

There was this silence again. The silence which was eating Sander from the inside. He got the feeling now. The feeling that this conversation isn't going to be a fun one.The air was becoming thick and heavy around them. 

Sander opened his eyes, saw Robbe biting his lower lip, probably thinking, contemplating whether to say it or not, whatever it was on his mind?

"Robbe? Hey! What is it?"

_What did I do this time?_

_Are you gonna ask me what I really don't want you tk?_

"Ummm, I was hoping that maybe we could talk?"

_Fuck._

"Uhh, yeah sure. Anything."

_Don't panic._

Robbe still wasn't sure whether he should bring it up or not. He didn't want to ruin the mood. Or maybe the whole day.

But it seemed important for them to start everything with a clean slate.

As people say 'Communication is the key to good relationship'

"Robbe? You are making me worry now. What's up?"

_This won't end well. Would it?_

"Umm, I wanted to ask about last week. Actually last two weeks."

_Fucking hell._

"Okay what about it?" Sander asked him nonchalantly. 

_Wow. Nice. Really Sander?!?! 'What about it?'_

_You are so stupid._

"Sanderrrr'' Robbe said with a tone which Sander was familiar with. 

_Confrontation time._

"You know what i am talking about."

Sander stayed silent. He was no longer looking at Robbe. He was playing with his fingers, fidgeting.

_Should I say something? Should I stay quiet?_

_If I remain quiet, would he let it go?_

"Sander, what happened to you in those two weeks?"

_Don't Robbe. Please don't._

"Nothing" Sander whispered.

"Sander, look at me." Sander didn't budge. "Sander we won't get anywhere with this conversation if you won't be honest with me." Now Robbe sounded annoyed.

_He never gets annoyed. What are you doing Sander?_

_Don't make him mad._

_Open your mouth and say something._

Sande didn't say anything.

"What happened after the party? Or maybe during the party? Why did you leave me without explaining anything? What did I do? Did someone told you something about me that made you behave like this?"

"I have told you before Robbe, you didn't do anything. Okay? It was me. And there is absolutely nothing anybody can tell me that would make me run away." Sander finally looked up.

_Yes. Sound confident and firm._

"Well then tell me baby. If it wasn't me, why did I have to suffer? Why was I the one left all alone? Do I not deserve an explanation?" Robbe's voice was trembling. 

_Don't put it like that Robbe. I am sorry about all of it._

"Hey Robbe. Please let it go. I don’t want to talk about it. I said I was sorry. Please."

"No. I want to know. I wanna know what happened"

"Well people don't always get what they want Robbe. I am noy going to talk about it." Sander rolled his eyes at him

_Wow..okay. Rude._

Robbe looked at him in disbelief. 

"What?" Sander asked harshly.

"Either you start talking about it or I am walking away right now" Robbe said firmly.

_Fuck. He knows how to play._

"Robbe please. Lets just chill okay? Please. I have movies we can watch and video games we can play. Are you hungry? I make the best croques" Sander was desperately trying to change the subject.

_I am too embarrassed to tell you that Robbe._

_You would be so mad at me. It wasn't even your fault_

_Please dont push me Robbe._

Robbe wasn't having any of it. He looked angry. Sander could tell.

"Don't push me Sander. Don't test my patience." 

"What?" Sander scoffed. "I am just asking you what you want"

"Sander. I don't want anything. I just want you tk explain it to me. What the fuck happened in those two week? Why did you change? You must have a reason no? Tell me the damn reason." Robbe gritted his teeth. He was trying really hard to sound calm. He couldn't. He sounded angry and he was tearing up. He was definitely gonna cry.

"I really don't have any explanation"

_I am sorry Robbe. You are gonna hate me if I tell you._

_I am such a piece of shit._

"Why are.you being so difficult?" Robbe raised his voice just a little bit.

None of them had realised that they weren't sitting close now. Robbe had crawled away from his lap and was now sitting at a distance, with logs crossed, facing sander.

"I am not being difficult..I just simply said I don't want to talk about it. Can you please just leave it here?"

"No." Oh Robbe was definitely going to angry- cry.

"Well, then you are just wasting your time here." Sander shrugged his shoulders.

_Don't hate me Robbe._

_This just hurts me too._

_But I can't. I just can't. I am too scared and embarrassed._

_Please._

That was it.

Robbe got up from the bed and walked out of the room..

"Where are you going?" Sander got up, following him, skunding panicked.

"Home"

"What? Why?" 

"Wow Sander. Really?" Robbe turned around, a tear rolling down his face."You are asking me why am I leaving?" Robbe's tone was harsh and sarcastic. "You are the one who won't be honest with me. You are the one who is lying. I am asking just a simple question, Sander. Answer me. I promise you I won't get mad. If that's what you are worried about. I get you Sander. We were friends before we became whatever this is" He was waving his hand between them, gesturing at their bodies. "I understand you. Just tell me what it is?" A tear rolled down his cheek.

"Robbe don't cry please." Sander stepped forward towards Robbe, but Robbe took a step back, shaking his hand, wiping away his tears.

"Please tell me. It's killing me. What happened? I don't care what you say, in my mind i am still blaming myself for it and I don't even know what 'it' is. I know I must have done something that made you behave like I was dead to you. I am losing my mind Sander. I can't help it. I need to know for my sanity. Please baby ple-" Robe couldn't breathe anymore, he was hyperventilating. He didn't realise how hard he was sobbing. He was hiccuping and gasping, trying to get some air in the lungs.

It wasn't a pretty sight to look at.

_Fucking fuck. What the fuck?!_

_What do I do.!?_

_Ohh nooo. Robbbeeee. Don't cry_. 

"Oh Robbe'' Sander's heart hurt. “Please don’t cry. Baby please don't cry. Fine, I will tell you .I promise I will tell you everything. Don't cry. Please please please. Don’t cry baby." Sander was mumbling, repeating the same thing over and over again, as if saying it 100 times would work and Robbe would stop crying magically. 

Sander took a step forward, once again. Trying to reach for Robbe. But Robbe moved away again

_Please let me touch you baby._

_Don't be like that._

Sander sjghed "Let’s just go back to my room. Let’s sit and talk okay? Please. Just don’t leave. I am sorry.”

“I know you are sorry but that’s not what I want to hear Sander. Tell me the reason.” Robbe goraned angrily. 

Sander flinched.

“Okay baby. Just come. Let’s go back to my room. I am gonna tell you whatever you want to know.”

Robbe finally seemed convinced and started walking towards Sander's room. Sander followed him, keeping his distance because Robbe clearly didn't want tk touched by him.

  
  


Once they were in the room, settled in and calmed down. Sander picks up the conversation 

"Okay I am going to tell you everything but I want you to know I am really very sorry for the suffering and hurt I caused you. I really am. I was self-”

"Sander. Please." Robbe begged, once more.

_Spill the beans dude._

"Okay so, at your Halloween party, I came looking for you. And I looked for you for a while. But when I finally spotted you, you were making out with some guy, Robbe and I felt like my whole world was coming down, crashing. So I don't know what happened but something flipped in my mind and I just ran out of there. And I know I had no right to react like that and you had every right to do whatever you wanted with anyone. I know we weren’t in a relationship and you didn't owe me anything. I was aware about all of it but I don't know what happened to me. I got this feeling-" Sander sighed, tooka breath, as if trying to prepare himself about what he was going to say next would change things "-jealousy maybe? I couldn't understand it and it scared me. Because why would I feel _jealous?_ I spent the whole weekend trying to figure it out. And I was lost, Robbe. I was lost and scared. Be.. because besides jealousy there was this another feeling and that is the feeling I have never felt for anyone else in my whole life. And the fact that you are a _boy._ It scared me and I wanted to protect myself Robbe. I didn't.. I didn't know.." Sander was looking at Robbe. Robbe hadn't moved an inch since he started talking and it seemed like he won't even say anything for a long time. So sander continued.

"I thought if I would ignore you and stop being friends with you I would start feeling _normal_ again and all those feelings would just go away. But the more I tried to get further away from you the more my heart ached for you. And Robbe please know I am sorry. I am so embarrassed. This whole thing had nothing to do with you. It was my issue, my chaos and I still caused you so much pain for my selfish reasons. I am so.. sorry baby." Sander finally finished.

_There is no going back now._

When he looked at Robbe, he was sitting there like a statue. Like someone tased him and he couldn't move anymore. He looked shocked.

Sander couldn't tell what was going on in his head, so once again he tried to hold Robbe’s hand but Robbe moved away.

“Robbe” Sander sounded scared.

There was this silence again. The same one, which was present before this whole chaos erupted. 

The sun rays were now making their way through the curtains, making the room lit up in golden glow. 

Robbe’s face looked angelic in the light. 

_My god he is so beautiful. I will never get tired of saying it._

“Say something please.”

And then Robbe broke, once again.

_You have officially ruined this whole thing._

“Hey Robbe. Please. Please don’t cry. I am sorry for hurting you. Baby. Please. Just... Please don’t cry baby.” Sander scooted himself closer to Robbe, trying to loop his arms around Robbe but to his surprise Robbe pushed him away.

_Oh my god. He hates me._

But Sander didn't budge. He tried again. Robbe pushed him harder, the second time. Sander again came back and this time succeeded, bringing him into a tight hug, letting Robbe’s head fall on his shoulder. 

Robbe didn't have the energy to fight back anymore. He was tired and exhausted. Not just physically but mentally too. So he gave in and just embraced the gesture

Sander started massaging his scalp, so smooth him, to calm him down.

“Hey baby. It's okay. Just please talk to me.” Sander kissed his forehead.

Robbe didn’t say anything. He was just crying really hard, hiccuping like a little kid. 

“Shhh shhh Robbe. I am here baby. I am sorry” Sander was now on the verge of crying too.

_How did we get here?_

_We were supposed to have a good day today._

_We were supposed to laugh and cuddle and kiss._

_What did I do?!_

He swayed their bodies together, ran his hand over Robbe’s back to calm him down. Sander had no idea why Robbe reacted like this. He was ready for being screamed at and mean words being thrown at him. He was prepared for Robbe being mad at him 

He was ready for the worst. But he definitely wasn’t ready for a breakdown like this. 

Sander sat there, with him on his bed, his arms wrapped around his lover not moving an inch until Robbe’s breathing evened out. 

It felt like an eternity passed when Robbe finally raised his head from Sander’s shoulder, wiped his tears and shifted himself away from Sander.

_He is so done with me._

“Robbe please talk to me.”

“I don’t think there is anything to talk about Sander." Robbe gulped.

"What do you mean?"

"I think I need time.” Robbe said, ignoring his question. His eyes were red and puffy. His face was tear stained, lips all well, hair pointing in every direction. He looked so tired.

_What have I done?_

**“** Robbe please. Baby. Please tell me what’s going on in your head. Did something happen in those two weeks? At home? Did something trigger you while I was talking? Did I say something insensitive?” Sander was shooting in the dark now. But he would do anything to push Robbe to open up.

Robbe just shook his head. 

“Robbe. Talk to me. Please. I am really sorry for hurting you. I really am.” 

"San.. Sander” Robbe cleared his throat.

“Yes baby I am here.” He tried to reach out again. To hold Robbe’s hand. This time Robbe allowed him, he even intertwined their fingers together. 

Sander brought their joined hands to his mouth and kissed the back of Robbe’s hand.

A gesture to let Robbe know that he is very sorry, that he is here for him, that is listening to him, whatever he has to say, that he is not going anywhere. A gesture of assurance.

“Please Robbe. Say something. Anything”

Robbe sighed deeply and began speaking “Sander, I..I know” Robbe’s voice was coming out harsh, so cleared his throat, sat up straight and continued “I said I won't get mad at you, that I understand you. And trust me, I do but you have to know that you have hurt me immensely. You left me alone. You left me alone to sulk, to overthink, to blame myself every single minute of every single day. You made me feel stupid for pouring my heart to you, to let you in, to let you consider my friend, to let me think that you cared about me too because clearly you didn’t care enough. I told you everything about me, my fears, my thoughts, my insecurities and you know how it is for me to trust people around me because all they want is gossip, something to talk about, something to make me feel small. And I still trusted you. I trusted you with all of my heart and the moment I got a feeling that you were a real deal, you just fucking disappeared on me. I banged my head 24/7 to look for a reason behind your cruel behaviour towards me. I questioned myself. I went over every single,e conversation we had, everything we shared. I was going mental. You made me think that you didnt wanna be my friend anymore. You made me think that I am not worth it. That just like everyone else, you just wanted to be my friend so that you could get the inside scoop and spread it around and make my life fucking miserable.

I was so scared to talk to people because I didn’t know if or what you had told people. So I isolated myself. Because I started believing that they all know about me and if I open my mouth to talk to them they will say something I didn’t want to hear because it would be something I had only told you.

You let me feel lonely. You left me to cry. You left me out there in the cold, freezing, making me wait every single day. You treated me so badly.

You know how people are towards me. They don’t care about me. They care about my popularity. I told you everything about me, including how dad is. I told you I legit have no 'real' friends beside you and you still left me Sander. Those two weeks were hell for me. I couldn’t sleep or eat or study. And when I came to you that Friday. I needed you. I needed my only friend but you walked away from me. You broke my heart into a million pieces and walked away.

I was horrified to come to school. I didn’t know what to expect every time I entered that school. I thought this is the day. This is the day everything goes down. This is the day that would become the worst day of my life. 

And now you are telling me it was all because of a fucking kiss Sander? A kiss? A kiss you had no right to make your business. An innocent kiss Sander.

And you were trying ‘protecting’ yourself? What about me? What about protecting me?

How can you be so selfish Sander? you put me through hell. You made me lose my god damn mind and it wasn’t even my fault.

You really didn’t think about me, did you? How would it affect me? How miserable would I be?" Robbe said it all in one breathe. But Sander could tell he wasn't finished.

_I wanna die right now._

"Robbe I thought you-" Sander’s voice was so small. He was trying really hard not to cry.

"No Sander, you didn’t think any of this through. You hurt me. Maybe it wasn't your intention but you did. It’s hard to just let it go. I need time. I need time to figure it out." Robbe unlocked their fingers and folded his arms in front of his chest.

"Figure out what Robbe?" Sander asked. 

"Whatever it is between us or has the potential to become something. I can't be around you right now. I am sorry" Robbe got up to leave.

"But Robbe I was confused. I was scared. I have never felt anything like it. I didn't know I could like boys too. I-" Sander was right being Robbe. His whole body was shaking. He has no idea how he even managed to get up, let alone walk.

"Everyone feels trapped and confused in the beginning, Sander.I did too. I know it's hard to figure out everything overnight. I have been there. So I get it Sander. I do. But you were my friend first. You could have just come to me and asked for some space. You know I would have understood. You know it. You know I wouldn't have pushed you. I thought we had that understanding Sander. I wish you had faith in us a little more than you already have. Maybe we wouldn't have been in this mess" Robbe stopped right in front of the door, wiped his tears away and rubbed his nose against his wrist, trying to get rid of the snot.

He fixed his hair and clothes and started unlocking the door.

_No baby please dont leave me. I am sorry. Please dont go._

_I am begging you_

"But Robbe-" Sander was so heart broken.

"I am sorry Sander. I have to go." Robbe turned around to look at sander. "And please dont text me or call me. I will do it myself when I am ready. Okay? Please? I hope you respect me enough to do as I say." 

And with that Robbe walked out of the door leaving Sander in the middle of his living room, crying.

  
  


_It was supposed to be one of the best days of Sander's life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me. This had to be done in my opinion.
> 
> I struggled so hard with this one. My god.
> 
> Anyways share your thoughts with me, please. Let me know what you think. Good or bad.
> 
> Also, next chapter may take a while. I am not sure yet. 
> 
> And I also wanted to say thank you for the comments. They really keep me going. Love you y'all <3


	6. You are my dream come true.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst and Confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am back with another chapter. I hope you like it.

_Is he ever going to forgive me for this?_

_How can I be so stupid?_

_Maybe I should have ran after him, should have tried to stop him._

_What if this was it? What if this is all what we all had?_

_Should I text him? But he asked me not to. He might get even more mad._

_Does he hate me? Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he does._

_I hate myself too right now._

_My head hurt. My heart hurts. My whole body hurts._

_I don't even care what happens with me. I just want to see Robbe happy._

_I am so selfish. No wonder people hated me in my previous school._

_I really want to see him. It's been days and I haven't seen him._

_Should I go to his house? No that would be too much._

_Maybe pass by his class. Get a glimpse?_

_What if he sees me? Will he get mad at that too?_

_I miss you Robbe._

All these questions and thoughts and concerns have not left Sanders mind.

  
  


It was Friday afternoon and Sander was in school, sitting or more like hiding in the boy's washroom. He has been eating his lunch there since Wednesday, all alone and sad and heartbroken, and also trying to avoid being near the girls because they were mad at him too. He was tired of getting a stink eye from one of them, time to time and then getting ignored by them. Sander had no energy left to tolerate those shenanigans.

_Yup! All my fault._

So, he chose the boys washroom which was located at the very corner of the 4th floor where no one bothered to come because it was far and no one in their right mind would climb 4 floors to use a washroom when they can simply go to the ground floor or the first floor.

His thoughts haven't stopped since Robbe left him there, in his living room, heartbroken and devastated. His mind has been racing 24/7. Thinking and speculating and making up scenarios and preparing speeches on how to convince robbe or what to say when or if they get back together. 

He was shocked by how much he absentmindedly hurt Robbe.

Since that Sunday, he had felt a lot of emotions, ranging from sad to guilt to hurt to anger. 

When Robbe left, Sander fell on his knees and cried, like it was the worst thing that could ever happen to him. Like the world was ending. Like there was nothing else left for him. Every pain he ever felt was nothing compared to this one. The one which he was the root cause of. 

He had never cried this hard and this loudly that he lost his voice the next day. He was very thankful that his parents didn't come home till it was very late. He was sure his neighbors heard him screaming and crying. 

When he felt like his knees won't work anymore if he kept sitting like that, crushing his bones on a very hard floor, he got up, very shakily still crying, his vision was blurry, and went to sit on the couch, legs crossed, head down, hands in his hair, pulling them so hard that his scalp was hurting.

_How am I going to fix this?_

Sander spent his whole evening, on that couch in the same position, just crying, feeling guilty. 

His whole face was a mess. There was wetness and snot. His eyes were puffy and his lips were swollen.

He was in pain. No. Not physically but everything still hurt. 

Breathing hurt. Blinking hurt. Moving a muscle hurts. His brain hurt. His thoughts hurt. And his heart hurt the most. 

The more he sat there on that couch and thought about everything Robbe told him, the more he started feeling angry with himself. Angry that he was so stupid. Angry that he made Robbe feel worthless when he is the most precious thing Sander had ever laid eyes on. He was worth the wait, worth all the fights Sander had to fight with himself and with others. He was worth all the love and kindness in the world. Robbe was worth it. Worth every emotion and feeling.

He had finally got what he always craved for. _That one_ person. The person he dreamt and wished for. He wanted someone kind, soft yet strong. And Oh Robbe.. Robbe was so strong. He might be the strongest person Sander has ever known. 

Robbe was pure and wise. He didn't understand how cruel this world is, until someone gave him a reality check. 

Robbe would face every problem, every battle with a smile on his face. Well maybe except when it comes to his dad. Maybe then, there is no smile but just fear and tears.

_Robbe. You are worth everything in this world and even more._

_I love you._

_\------------------------------------------------------------_

_Is he ever going to forgive me for this?_

After Sunday, Sander didn't want to go to school at all and for a good reason. He just wanted to be wrapped in bedsheets and drown into his thoughts.

He didn't want to see anybody, talk to anybody. He just wanted to be left alone, to sulk and to cry. But he knows if he refuses to go to school, it will worry his mum because everytime he had refused to go to school, something bad had always happened to him and he didn't want his mother to think that. 

Yes, something bad did happen to him this time too. But this time it was all his fault. 

He brought all this mess onto himself by himself.

_God! I hate myself._

So, just to not to worry his mum any further, here he was sitting in his classroom, trying really hard to concentrate on the math problem his teacher is teaching them to solve, in the first class of Monday morning. 

But as usual, Sander was lost in his thoughts. 

_I didn't see him in the morning. But I usually do._

_Did he come to school though?_

_Maybe, just like me, he didn't want to come either._

_Or maybe he did. It's too soon to tell._

_Should I go and sit under the tree during lunch?_

_Maybe I can look for him._

_I know he won’t show up. But still you know._

_I know he doesn’t want to see me anymore._

_Oh but it's so cold out there. I will freeze._

_Sander, he sat there waiting for you for a whole week._

_You are such a coward dude._

_Just think about it after this class._

_You need to-_

Sander's train of thoughts were brought to a halt when he heard high pitched whispers from the behind.

Sander rolled his eyes. This wasn’t something new. He has been listening to those high pitched whispers for the past two weeks now. He knows what was going on. It was the girls.

Girls have been talking about him since the first morning after the Halloween party.. And can you blame them? Sander has been acting so weird after that night. He also started looking like shit. He looked sad and tired and it was very clear that he wasn’t getting any sleep at all. He’s been cranky and irritated for the past two weeks. 

He knows the girls are just concerned. He knows they don’t want gossip out of this. They are genuinely worried about him and his behavior.

He was at least supposed to tell Amber about all of it. And he was going to, because he promised he would but then that morning when he started crying in the class he lost all courage he gathered to tell Amber everything. 

_What am I supposed to say? I am crying over a guy?_

_Yes Amber, a guy. A boy. And that boy is none other than Robbe Ijzermans._

So after that embarrassing incident he never brought it up. Never told Amber anything and Amber might have understood that too because she never brought it up either and Sander was very thankful for that. He knows Amber and the girls too, are trying to give him space and time. They are waiting for him to come to them.

_But until when?_

So, all in all they don’t know anything about anything and he’s been acting like an ass towards them without any reason. 

Sander has been nothing but kind of rude to them. He has shut them out and he is scared that they will lose their patience and will leave him just like Robbe did and it would be his own fault, once again.

_I don’t know how to come out to you guys._

_I don’t know if I want to come out at all._

_What if you guys start hating me?_

_What if you guys change?_

_What if I change?_

_I am just scared, you guys. I am sorry._

_But I need time._

“Can you guys please shut up? I am trying really hard to understand this” Sander hissed at the girls.

“Sorry we were just-“ Yasmina started but then she stopped in the middle and was staring at someone. Everyone shifted their gaze to see what made Yasmina stop.

It was the teacher, she was staring at all of them with annoyance.

One look from the teacher and they all settled themselves and started paying attention to the class.

Soon enough the bell rang for lunch and everyone erupted.

_Run Sander. Before they corner you. Run._

But someone must have read his mind because it was Amber who caught him by his wrist, in a very tight grip actually, not letting him run away this time.

“Let me go Amber.” Sanders' tone was anything but soft.

“No. Not until you tell us what is going on with you.”

“Nothing is going on with me.” 

“Oh Sander please. We are not blind here. We can see something is troubling you. Please tell us. Or tell me. I am your best friend.”

“I said, nothing is going on with me. I am fine.” Sander groaned.

“Sander.” Amber said softly, as if pleading him to please open up.

“Can you, for once mind your own damn business? All of you actually.” Sander growled at the girls. Sander could tell they were surprised by this outburst. They were taken aback. 

_You are such a piece of shit._

_I need help. This isn’t right_

He had never used such a harsh tone for them and he also wasn’t an aggressive type of a person. He was actually soft and peaceful. 

Amber let go of his hand immediately. And turned around without saying anything to him. All the girls followed her lead.

_Excellent Sander. Bravo._

_You are doing so good._

_You might just end up with no friends by the end of the week._

“Guys, I 'm sorry. I didn’t mean it. Please” 

“Just go away Sander. We don’t want to talk to you right now.” Noor sounded angry.

He knows he has hurt the girls. They are upset with him too. Sander stood there for a minute, watching them walking away and standing in the corner, talking in a hush voice. He could tell that the girls were trying to console Amber.

He stood there comprehending whether he should go to them and apologize profusely or should he go and wait for Robbe under that tree, hoping to catch a glimpse of that angel boy.

Sander of course chose the latter and was now on his way to _that spot._

_Oh thank God it's empty._

Sander made a seat for himself so that his butt won't freeze to death. He collected a bunch of leaves and folded his scarf in such a way that it became cushiony, on the top of those leaves and then sat. 

Not going to lie, it wasn't comfortable at all. His butt was still freezing and there was no sun and now because of the breeze, his nose was turning red and he was sniffling. 

_Aaarrgghh!!! How did Robbe do it?_

_I am gonna die._

Sander sat there, shivering, looking at the exit of the building hoping to see someone with a petite body with gorgeous brown hair curls peeking out of a beanie wearing his signature brown jacket and flashing that gorgeous smile. 

But he didn't. He searched and searched but there was no sign of that _someone._

_Oh look, how the tables have turned._

Well, of course Sander knew Robbe wouldn't come. He knew that. He is not an idiot.

But he just wanted to _see_ him. To see if he is doing well? Yes, he is aware that not even a whole day had passed after that fiasco, but he just needed to know if Robbe is fine. He knows if he gets _one_ look of that face, he can tell how Robbe is doing. 

But to his disappointment Robbe never showed.

_I miss you baby. I am sorry._

  
  


Sander returned to the class with a heavy heart. He had totally forgotten about the mess he created with the girls.

But he was quickly reminded of it when he saw Britt sitting next to him and Amber sitting next to Noor. 

_But Amber sits with me, Britt._

_How do you not get it? I am not interested._

"Uhhh, Britt, that's Amber's-" Sander sounded confused 

"Yes I know it's Amber's seat. But she doesn't want to sit with you anymore. And we don't have any spare seats in the class. So I switched with her" Britt gave him a fake smile. It seemed like she was enjoying this drama. She liked when Sander suffered.

_I hate that smile._

Sander looked at Amber but Amber wouldn't look at him. He looked at the rest of the girls, trying to convey that he is sorry through his eyes but they also avoided looking at him, pretending to be in a serious conversation. Ignoring him

_Well, that's what I deserve to be honest._

He sighed and quietly sat beside Britt.

_Whatever. I will fix it later._

\------------------------------------------------------------

_Is he ever going to forgive me for this?_

Tuesday came. Sander had once again forgotten that the girls were mad at him. His mind has been so occupied by Robbe and everything that surrounds him that he forgot that he was mean and rude to the girls. 

So, when he entered the class in the morning and said, once again Britt was sitting in the place of Amber's.

_Oh? Ohhh. OOOOOHHHHH!!!!!_

_Fucking hell._

_God have mercy on me._

"Morning Sander" Britt was in a good mood but Sander wasn't, obviously. So he just hummed at her.

He looked at the girls, who were sitting behind him, they were looking at him too. He said hi, smiled at them but there was no response. 

They straight up ignored him. It hurt Sander. It really did. Maybe not as much as Robbe's ignorance and silence did. But it was very close.

_Do not start crying._

_You don't deserve their friendship anyways._

_They are better off without you._

_All I deserve right now is this pain I have been feeling._

_I don't deserve anything good._

Sander turned around as the teacher entered the class and that was the last time he looked at the girls till the end of the day.

Well, it was lunch time once again. And like a fool, Sander once again found himself, sitting under the tree, hoping to catch a glimpse of Robbe.

He learned his lesson from yesterday and bought 3 more extra scarves to save his butt this time.

So now he sat and waited and waited and waited. Fidgeting with the phone, playing with his food, looking out for Robbe. 

_I don't expect you to come and sit beside me Robbe._

_But please at least show me your face._

_I miss your face, your smile, your hair, the dimples, the curls, everything._

_Aarrgghh!! This is all so frustrating_

_How the fuck did i end up here mahn?_

_Oh my godd and the girls!!!_

_How am I supposed to explain?_

_I don't understand half of the shit myself._

_Maybe that's-_

Sander's phone pinged.

_Who the fuck is texting me right now._

_I am in the middle of a crisis._

Sander tapped the button to see who was messaging him at this time. Because everyone he knows is whether at school, where they can actually come up to him and talk, or in the office, working or at home.

He was clueless. There is no one who would message him at this time.

But the moment his phone lit up, he skipped a heartbeat.

_Robbe <3, _ the message notified.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuccckkk._

_Ummm, Robbe is texting me? But he said…_

_Oh he said I shouldn’t text him. But he can text me._

_Should I open it right now?_

_What if it isn’t the message what I am hoping it would be._

_What if he texted me to say that he had figured things out and he doesn’t want to be with me anymore._

_What if it’s a really mean text? That could make me end up crying._

_Oh I can’t cry in the schoolyard._

_Oh and the girls would start questioning me again._

_But Robbe won’t be mean to me or to anyone. He is too kind._

_What if he is laying me off gently._

_Oh my goddd I don’t know what to do._

_I shouldn’t open it in the school._

_Let’s get home, be safe in your bedroom and then open._

_Because in case it's something that could make you cry. You can cry in peace._

_But can I wait that long? Do I have that much self control?_

His phone pinged again. It was Robbe, once again.

_Well that answers my question._

_Double text? From Robbe?_

_Open it and if you see something you don’t like. Just try and don’t cry._

He closed his eyes, took a very deep breath. And with shaky hands, he unlocked his phone and opened the message.

Robbe <3

1:34

If you are waiting for

me to show up. I am not going to.

You are gonna die in this cold.

Trust me, I have been there.

Stop waiting for me.

  
  


_‘Trust me, I have been there.’_

_Ouch._

Sander clutched his phone to his chest and started looking around, scanning the whole courtyard. Looking for Robbe like a lunatic.

Sanders' head was spinning, his heart was racing. He actually was freezing but at the same time he was sweating.

He got up, shakily and started walking around, maybe power walking, looking for him. If he could, he would have actually screamed Robbe’s name in order for him to show his face.

He walked around the courtyard twice. Looked everywhere. But there was no sign of him. 

Sander was out of breath. So he took a seat at one of the corner benches, breathing heavily.

_Calm down Sander. It’s okay._

_It’s just a message. Just a message dude. Get a grip._

_But where are you?_

_How can you see me and I can’t?_

_Please Robbe. Just show me your face._

_I miss you baby. I am sorry._

_Stop punishing me please._

_But You still care about me. You care that I would freeze._

_You cared enough to text me._

_You are not a heartless asshole like me._

_You are an angel._

_You don’t hate me. I know you won’t hate me_

_You are so pure Robbe. Too kind._

_Please baby. Let’s just stop this now._

———————————————————-

_Is he ever going to forgive me for this?_

So, here he was. Sitting on the toilet seat with his lunch on his lap, head hanging low, hiding in a stall in the boys washroom on the 4th floor, all alone. Sulking and thinking and overthinking and occasionally shedding a tear or two, silently.

  
  


He had texted Amber on Tuesday evening after coming back home from school, apologizing for his behavior but Amber dismissed him.

_‘Text me when you are ready to talk about the reason behind your behavior Sander’_

Sander didn’t text her after that. He had also stopped sitting with the girls too. No! He wasn’t trying to be arrogant or egotistic. It was just that, sitting near the girls and then, them ignoring him all day long was hurtful. He was already in so much pain and then behaving like this wasn’t helping Sander at all.

_Is that how Robbe felt?_

He was tired. Tired of all of it. He just wanted a break. 

The good thing about that washroom was that it was peaceful. He could cry and think out loud and no one would be able to hear him. And that’s what he wanted. Some quiet and peace.

Since Robbe had texted him on Tuesday, he couldn’t help but stare at those words for hours and hours. He never let that message out of sight. Those words were not engraved in his mind. 

_He is nice. He isn’t cruel like me._

_He texted me and he let me know._

_I was an asshole who left him out there._

_Left him waiting and freezing._

_He is such a good person._

_You don’t deserve him Sander._

_Maybe this is for the best._

_Maybe it’s good for him and for you too._

_You don’t have to come out now. You can stay in the closet for a while now._

_Oh my goddd. Fuck. I have to figure out how to come out of the closet._

_Hmmm.. I wonder what Yasmina would think of me?_

_What if-_

“You literally can get away with anything huh?” Sander was startled by sudden intrusion. He almost fell off the toilet seat.

“Oh please. It’s not like that. Teachers just love me mahn. Don’t be jealous.” 

That voice just sent shivers down Sander’s spine. He missed that voice and the person whom this voice belonged to.

_Oh fuck. That’s Robbe._

_But who is he talking to?_

_Fuck. What should I do?_

_Should I go out?_

_Should I stay in?_

_Also, sounds happy?_

_I bet he is smirking right now. I can tell it from his tone._

“I am the last person who would be jealous of you Robbe.” The boy who was speaking was washing his hands, Sander could tell. He could hear the water running. 

“Whatever. Let’s just get out of here. This washroom is so creepy. Why did they even bother with this one?” 

“Yeah okay. Also, you promise you will help me pass in the test?”;

“Yeah dude. Don’t worry. I got you.”

Sander heard the ruffling of footsteps. They were heading towards the door. They were leaving.

_It’s now or never Sander._

_Get up. Open the door. And talk to Robbe._

“Ummm.. Robbe?” Sander was peaking his head out the stall. And from where Robbe was standing he knows Robbe can’t see him yet.

“Ye..yeah?” Robbe sounded confused.

“Do.. do you have a minute?" Sander was so nervous.

_He is so gonna blow you off._

"Sander?" Robbe walked back in a few steps.

"Uhh.. its me." Sander got out of the stall, now standing in front of Robbe.

_Hi baby. You look so good. As always._

_I missed you._

_I wish I could hug you._

He was sweating. His hands were damp. The space between his nose and his upper lip had drops of sweat. 

Sander was growing anxious.

_I shouldn't have called him_

_I can't breathe._

Robbe frowned. He seemed confused and worried.

"What are you doing here? Were you in that stall the whole time?" Robbe asked very softly.

"Yes. Umm, I was just.. umm.."

_Get a grip dude._

"What do you want, Sander?" Suddenly his tone changed. As if something flipped in his mind and as if he forgot for a second what was going on between them and now he remembers. 

He was sounding so happy and free a moment ago. 

_You are still very much mad at me._

_I now even ruin your mood._

_I don't make you happy_

Robbe crossed his arms in front of his chest, raised his eyebrows. His expression was cold. 

Sander was about to say whatever he wanted to say but then his eyes landed on the guy who was still standing near the bathroom door, awkwardly and seemed confused.

Robbe followed Sander's gaze. 

"Ummm.. Jens can you wait for me outside? It won't take long."

"Uhhh yeah sure." 

_Jens? As in Britt's Jens?_

"Jens? As in he is dating Britt?" Sander whispered as Jens walked out.

"Is that what you wanted to say to me?"

"Ummm.. no. Absolutely not."

"Well then spit it out, Sander. I don't have all day for you. I am busy. I don't have time like you do, to sit and gossip."

_Why are you being so rude to me?_

_Do you really resent me that much?_

"Ohh.. umm.. i just wanted to apologize for.."

"I don't have time for this." Robbe groaned. "I told you I will come to you when I feel better." He sounded annoyed.

"Yes but Robbe please. Hear me out. I am sorry. I really am. I shouldn't have done that. I was a scared baby."

"Don't call me that." 

"Robbe please. Please forgive I am going crazy here. I miss you. I don't know what to do? Tell me what to do? What can I do to get you to forgive me? I can't breathe anymore. I can't sleep or ea-"

Robbe scoffed. 

_He scoffed? At me?_

_WHAT IS GOING ON??_

_What did i say now?_

Robbe had never acted like this. He had never dismissed Sander's feelings like this. He always let Sander speak. He always listened to me. 

“What Robbe? Now what?” Sander was irritated by that scoff. He did not like that. At all.

"Well, I am glad now you know how I felt. And at least you know what you did and why am I behaving like this. You, on the other hand, didn't even bother to mention anything. I tortured myself for two weeks because of you. And here I have just been silent for 5 days. Just 5 days Sander. You see how hard it is?"

"Oh so now what you are doing? You are trying to balance it out. I left you for 14 days. You're gonna do the same to me? Trying to make me suffer as much as you did?" Sander mocked.

_Dude. Seriously? That’s your apology?_

"Wow. You really think I am that petty? I am amazed. That's what you think of me huh? Petty?” Robbe rolled his eyes. “You know, now that I think of it, maybe it was all a game for you. Maybe you don't even like me that much. Maybe you actually never cared about me at all. It was all in my head wasn't it? Because if you would have cared about me, you wouldn't have left me. I think I was just an experiment maybe? To see if you actually like guys? Is that it? Did you ever even feel for me? Do I even mean anything to you? Did you ever even consider me your friend?" Robbe was growling by the end of his speech. His voice was echoing in the washroom, loudly. His eyes were bulging out and he was rasping.

"No Robbe that's no-"

"Well I am glad we talked. Thanks for opening my eyes. Awesome apology by the way." 

_Sarcasm._

_God, he hates me._

As soon as Sander was about to open his mouth to explain how wrong Robbe , the bathroom door opened.

"Robbe come on. We have practice. Coach will get mad."

"Yeah okay." Robbe sighed heavily. As if trying to let go all the anger left, with the breath he just exhaled.

"Well, I have to go now."

"Robbe please"

"Save it Sander."

With that Robbe turned around to leave.

"Who is he?" Jens whispered

"No one." Robbe dismissed him.

Sander heard that. 

_No one. I am no one._

\------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Robbe <3

21:21

Hi Robbe.

I know you asked me not to contact you. But I feel like I have no other choice. I have to say something and after I won’t bother you at all. I promise.

I just wanted to tell you that you have got it all wrong Robbe. All of it. Maybe I made you think like that but none of it is true baby.

Robbe, you came in my life and changed everything about it, completely. 

All my life I have been forced to believe that I can’t be loved, that no one in their right mind would spend their time and energy on me, that maybe I don't deserve happiness. Before you, my life was a mess. I was sad and pathetic and lonely. No one cared for me. No one bothered to stand up for me. No one bothered to hug me and kiss me on the forehead when I was breaking down. No one ever told me that I wasn’t alone. No one ever told me it all gets better in the end. No one ever let me in. No one liked me. No one loved me.

But baby you changed my whole belief system. You became every version of _that_ person I always craved for. 

You are the person who changed me. You let me in. You cared about me. You made me realize that maybe I am not a total loser. You made me realize my worth. You made me believe that I didn't deserve any of that hatred. You showed me colours when all I could see was black and white. You kissed me on the forehead and hugged me tight when my world was crashing down and made me realize everything is going to be alright. You told me I wasn’t alone in this. You changed my world Robbe. You made it so much brighter and so much colorful. I was in a dark place when I met you, you pulled me out of that place. You found me when I was lost and I am so happy that you did. You saved me baby.

Of course I care about you. You are the only person I care about the most. You are not an experiment. You are not. You are my whole world. My entire universe . You mean so much to me baby. Please believe me when I say that.

I feel so much for. I don’t think anyone can feel what I feel for you. I can’t express it in words, but if you give me one more chance I can show you. 

My goddd, baby I miss you so much. And it’s killing me that you are so upset with me. I hate it that I made you feel lonely and miserable. I would never ever ever leave you alone ever again.

i was stupid and selfish and scared. But I have learned my lesson Robbe. Please give one more chance. I am very sorry baby. I really am. Please come back to me. It would be just the two of us. No one else matters. 

You mean everything to me. You are my dream come true.

I love you Robbe. ❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please dont hate me :)
> 
> Also, I just want you to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for such lovely comments. It made me so happy and good about myself. I had no idea so many people were interested in this story. It meant a lot.  
> Thank you for doing that. (I screenshot-ed all your comments because I didn't want to lost them as I had to delete the chapter)
> 
> Comments really keep me going. I cant thank you guys enough.
> 
> Anyways, share your thoughts with me <3


	7. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst, Reunion and Fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I am back with another new chapter. I hope you like it.
> 
> I have made changed in the tags, so please look at them.
> 
> There is also a tinie tiny bit of smut. (not even sure you can call it smut).  
> So just a warning.

Robbe never replied. 

And Sander was upset. Like really upset. Didn’t-get-out-of-the-bed-for-the-whole-day upset.

He knows Robbe read the message within minutes of him sending that message but he did not bother to acknowledge it. 

Sander had given up. This was it. Robbe clearly doesn't want him anymore. Sander did everything he could in his power. This was the last thing he could do to get Robbe understand. But it didn't work out either. 

_Well, it is what it is._

  
  


After sending that message to Robbe, late at night, Sander kept opening the chat to see if Robbe saw the message, at least 10 times in 1 minute. He just couldn't stop. 

In between, he would just lay still and stare at his ceiling, his phone hugging his chest and let his thoughts fuck up his mind.

_Fuck. Did I make a mistake?_

_What if he doesn't believe me?_

_What if he just blocked me after this?_

_Oh my god, what am I going to do if he doesn't reply?_

_Well, get ready for a heart break and a day full of sulking and crying Sander._

_What if he shows these messages to Jens and they make fun of me?_

_I really shouldn't have said anything. I am si dumb._

_He wanted space and that's what I failed to give him._

_Well, whatever now. The damage is done. This is it._

His phone pinged, he skipped a heartbeat. 

_Get ready mahn._

No man. Living or dead could have managed to unlock their phone as fast as Sander managed to do so.

And well, of course the universe hated him because it wasn't from Robbe, it was from the group they made on whatsapp do discuss their assignment. 

_You bastards. Almost gave me a heart attack._

Sander went back and opened Robbe's chat. There was a blue tick. 

_He didn't reply. He read it and he didn't reply._

_Wait.. check when did he read it._

It showed **'** **_read just now'._ **

_Oh okay. So the message is big, give him time to read it_

_Then he might want to re read it again and let it all sink in._

_That will take time too._

_Then he would require time to reply. Deciding what to say can take a long time._

_So give him at least 30 minutes?_

_I can wait 30 minutes. Thats cool. No biggie._

_Just wait._

An hour passed, and Robbe never replied. Sander was still hopeful, still optimistic.

_He needs time._

_It was a heavy message._

_Maybe he needs to think. Doesn’t mean he won’t reply._

Sander kept convincing himself that Robbe will say something, anything at all. But he didn’t.

He got tired of waiting. So he switched off his phone, going crazy.

He was tripping. 

_Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, he might have replied._

_Maybe he wants to text back when he knows I won’t reply immediately._

_He can always text back, late at night._

So Sander decided to sleep, mind full of Robbe, heart still expectant of Robbe’s reply.

He soon fell into very distorted sleep. His dreams were blurry and sad. He could hear Robbe screaming and yelling in his dream. 

_I don’t love you Sander. No one ever can._

_Leave me the fuck alone._

His mind won’t shut off. He was crying in his sleep. He was sweating and his heart was racing and he just couldn’t do anything about it.

The whole night went like this. He didn’t wake up in between but his dreams won’t let him have a peaceful sleep either. 

_Robbe. Robbe. Robbe. Robbe. Robbe._

_I love you Robbe._

  
  


Saturday morning came. Sander could tell it was late in the morning, by the amount of light that was entering his room, even though his curtains were drawn. 

He groaned as he sat up. He put his head in his hands. He wasn't ready to open his eyes yet. The light was too much for him. He needed time. So he just sat there. On his bed, feeling tired and exhausted. His hair, all messy. Limbs all lose, wrapped in sheets.

He knows he couldn't sleep properly last night. His dreams were blurred and they made him uncomfortable. He can't remember what he dreamt about but thinking about them made him feel uneasy.

He rubbed his palms on his face, decided to get up and get on with his day. 

Sander was brushing his teeth when all of a sudden everything started coming back to him.

Fight with Robbe in the washroom, him saying things, Sander's love confession, Robbe's lack of response. Him waiting and waiting. Hoping for a response. Switching off his phone. 

Everything rushed back to his mind and he just froze at the spot. 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck._

_How did I even forget about this?_

_What a loser mahn._

Brush in his mouth, toothpaste dropping down his chin, he ran to his room looking for his phone.

_Where are you?_

_Where did I put it?_

_Oh my god, Robbe must have replied._

_And I am so late!_

_Please don't think I don't care Robbe._

_I am just a really stupid guy who forogt about all of it for a miment._

  
  


Sander turned his whole bed upside down. He couldn't find it.

_I slept with that stupid phone._

_It was right beside me._

Sander was losing it. His face was messy. Toothpaste and saliva mixed together, dripping off of his chin, on his shirt. It looked disgusting. He felt disgusting. But he couldn't care about that right now 

_Where are you? You piece of shit!_

He finally found his phone. It fell off the bed and was lying between the headboard of the bed and the wall. 

He grabbed it and switched it on, buzzing with nervousness and excitement. It could go two ways, he could write something very similarly what Sander wrote to him or he could straight up reject him. But Sander wasn’t considering the possibility of Robbe not reply at all.

So when he saw that Robbe never replied, he got so angry, maybe at himself or at Robbe, that he threw his phone across the room, really hard probably breaking his phone in two. He did hear a crack. But he didn’t care about that. 

Still very much drooling saliva and toothpaste, Sander sat on the floor, toothbrush in his mouth, and started crying. He made sure no one would hear him crying because his parents were at home and he doesn’t know what he would tell them if they asked. 

So he kept his mouth closed and cried. 

He was a mess and very gross. Everything was mixing together. Snot, saliva, tears, toothpaste. It wasn’t a pretty sight to look at.

_It's all over._

_It's done._

_He doesn't love me._

"Sander, honey it's time to get up" Sander heard his mom knocking on his door.

"Sander. Get up. It's almost noon."

Sander was crying so much, he knows if he says anything his mum would catch up on it.

"Sander. Are you alright in there? You never sleep this late." She was sounding worried.

He didn't reply. He was trying to gulp down the heaviness in his throat so that he could reply to his mum, sounding somewhat fine.

"SANDER DRIESEN, AT LEAST ANSWER ME" She screamed.

"I.. I am up mum. I was in the wa.. washroom. I w..wi..will be out in a m.. mi.. minute" He managed. 

He heard his mum walking away. 

He got up on his feet. He looked down and his back tee was covered with paste and saliva. Some of it was running down his neck. It was so gross.

He sniffled and walked to his bathroom, cleaned himself up, took a shower and tried really hard to make his eyes go back to normal by constantly washing them but the redness wouldn't go. If anybody would take a good look at him, they could tell that he's been crying. 

_What did I do so wrong?_

Sander took a deep breath, took a last look at himself in the mirror and got out of his room to join his parents for breakfast.

He just sat there in silence, staring into nothing, playing with his food. He had lost all his appetite. He wasn’t feeling hungry anymore. Well, he wasn’t feeling anything at all. He was numb.

“Sander, we are going out for lunch tomorrow and then we will go to the beach and might come late at night, is that alright with you honey?” His mum asked.

“Mum, I don’t feel like going anywhere.” He whined

“Umm, no Sander it’s Sunday tomorrow. It’s just me and my mum.” His father chipped in.

_Oh yeah right. It’s Sunday tomorrow._

_It’s going to be a week since.. since.. Robbe.._

“Sander? You okay? Did you hear what I said?”

“Yeah mum. I heard. I am good with it. You guys enjoy..” He forced a smile.

After breakfast, he excused himself and went back to his room, claiming he has a lot of homework to do and assignments to work on.

His phone was still lying on the floor, broken, when he entered the room. He picked it up and saw it’s just the screen that’s cracked, the display was still working, the phone was alright.

He threw himself on his bed, rolled himself in his duvet, hid his face on a pillow and tears started falling down his face.

Sander couldn’t stop them from falling. Even though he wasn’t _crying_ , the tears would pool in his eyes and would roll down. It was just sadness now. He wasn't hurt. He was sad. Those tears were of sadness.

He was in pain. Everything hurt. Thinking about Robbe hurt. Everything related to him, hurt. 

Thinking about every kiss they shared, every smile they exchanged, every conversation they had, thinking about all of it hurt. 

But then again, it’s all he could think about. All those secret glances and occasional flirting, those hugs and hand holdings. Those forehead kisses and the laughters and the secrets. Sulking together, playfully arguing, wrestling with each other, sharing lunch. 

Everything was replaying in his mind. The more he thought about all of it the more he wanted to scream and throw these things around and just disappear from the face of the earth.

But he didn’t or couldn’t do any of it. So he just quietly cried and sulked. 

_Why Robbe? Baby why?_

_Am I really ‘no one’ to you?_

_You couldn’t even text a single word back?_

_You hate me that much?_

_How am I going to show my face in school?_

_How am I ever gonna face you?_

_I can’t live without you Robbe._

_You are everything I ever wished for._

_Don’t take it away from me. I am sorry baby._

_I can’t do this._

  
  


Saturday came and went and Sander didn’t move. He laid in bed the whole day, dozing off to sleep from time to time because his eyes were so tired of crying that it was hard keeping them open. 

He skipped lunch, he skipped dinner. His mum did come asking but he just made up some excuse and his mum let him be.

Sander had never known this kind of heartbreak. It wasn’t only the heart which was broken, he felt like this had left _him_ broken, as a person. He just didn’t know where to go from here. 

“Sander, honey we are leaving. Breakfast is on the table and order something good for yourself for lunch and dinner. Money is on the table too.” His mum barged in while talking to him.

“Yeah okay mum. Have fun.” Sander mumbled.

“Darling, you alright?” His mum was so concerned. And wouldn’t she be? If anyone would have looked at Sander, they would be concerned too.

“Yes mum. I am just tired. Now go and have fun and don’t do anything I wouldn’t” Sander tried really hard to sound cheerful.

His mum laughed and it felt really good to hear her laugh. Something hopeful. 

She kissed his forehead and said her farewell and was off to have a good day with her husband.

_Well at least they are happy._

_Aarrgghh, okay. Let’s go to bed and sulk in peace._

Sander was so exhausted. He didn’t move the whole day yesterday but his mind was racing and he didn’t know how to stop it. Stop the thoughts that were becoming darker and darker as the day was passing. He was trying really hard to stop them. But he couldn’t.

He just wanted one minute of peace. He just wanted to breathe again. 

_Please help me._

_I can’t do this. It’s been a week._

_It just doesn’t get better and I am tired._

_Please!!! Someone send me an angel and pull me out of this misery._

His parents hadn't even left 5 minutes ago when Sander heard his doorbell rang. And he knows it can't be his parents.

_Is that the angel I am wishing for?_

Sander scoffed to himself.

_Please. As if._

_Is god finally listening to my prayers? Uh huh. I don't think so._

He heard it rang again which made Sander groan. So he got up from his bed to open the door.

And the doorbell kept ringing.

"I am coming. I am coming" Sander shouted. 

He fixed himself a bit and opened the door to see who it was.

The moment he opened the door and saw who actually was going basark with the doorbell, his mind went blank. 

_Robbe._

Their eyes met. Green to brown. Brown to green.

They hadn't looked at each other _properly_ since last Sunday. 

_Uurggh, last sunday._

_It's been a week since the disaster._

"Umm..hi" Robbe sounded nervous.

Sander didn't even register Robbe saying anything. All he could do was just stare at him. 

Robbe was wearing a yellow sweatshirt covered by his signature puffy brown jacket paired with black skinny jeans and white sneak. No beanie. His fluffy brown hair flowed. Cheeks flushed. Lips slightly parted.

_How do you manage to take my breath away every single time?_

_How are you so beautiful, baby?_

_But.. also.. how did.. why would.. is that.. wha.. what is.._

_Am I dreaming?_

_What is he doing here?_

_Robbe? ROBBE? MY ROBBE?_

"Umm.. Sander?" 

He was in shock.

"Ground Control to Sander?"

No response 

_He is calling your name dude. Reply._

_Aarrgghh. Say something_

_This is happening all over again._

_Open your damn mouth._

"Sanndeerr?" Robbe waved his hand in front of Sander's face to catch his attention. 

"Uhh.. yeah.. H.. hi" Sander stammered 

"Even after all this time, you still lose yourself when you look at me huh?" Robbe nervously giggled.

_Teasing? He is teasing me?_

_He broke my heart and now he is teasing me?_

"Wha.. what are you doing here?" Ignoring Robbe's playful jab

"I.. I wanted to see- talk to you. Can I come in?"

_Talk about what exactly?_

_Aren't we over?_

_Isn't it all done?_

_What else is left Robbe?_

Sander just moved his body to the side, giving Robbe space to enter the house. 

Robbe walked in. "No parents?" Robbe asked while removing his jacket and shoes.

"Yeah. But you already know that." Sander closed the door behind them.

They were now standing in the hallway, across each other, Robbe looking at Sander and Sander looking at the floor.

"umm..Sander.." Robbe whispered while taking a step forward. 

Sander looked up "what?" He asked very softly.

"I..I just came to ask, did you really mean it?" 

Sander furrowed in confusion.

_Meant what?_

"Ummm.. everything that you said in the message. Did you mean it? Do you really? You know…?" Robbe took another step forward.

Sander kept quiet. 

_Of course I meant it baby. Why would I joke about that?_

_Are you doubting me?_

_You don't trust me do you?_

"Sander" Robbe cupped his face with his left hand, brushing his thumb over Sander's cheekbones and Sander instantly relaxed into Robbe's touch. 

_God baby. I missed you so much._

_I missed your touch._

_I love you so much._

Sander hadn't realised that now they were inches apart. Their noses were brushing against each other and if he decided to lean a bit more, he could taste Robbe's lips.

_I wanna taste you baby._

_I miss your lips on mine._

"Baby" Robbe hushed and Sander whimpered. His whole body shivered when he heard Robbe calling him _that._

He doesn't know why, but Robbe calling him baby meant more to him than Robbe could ever know. 

Because he finally started believing that Robbe and him were over. That Robbe is never gonna come back to him. That, it's just those 4 months of friendship and 2 days of kissing was all he had now. Nothing more could ever happen. It was over right? 

Because Robbe never texted back. It clearly meant, it was all over.

But then after all the pain he felt, after finally coming to the terms that it was the end. Robbe decided to show up, decided to talk to him, to say his name the way Sander loves, to cup his cheek and speak with such softness, to call him baby. 

Robbe was here to talk to him, maybe give another shot.

He called him his baby. 

It was sinking into him now. 

Maybe the wait was finally over. 

Maybe _that_ wasn't it. Maybe this is it. 

Them, here, in the hallway, so close, breathing into each other. This was it. Wasn't it?

It was gonna get better from here. Isn't it?

Sander got so overwhelmed by all of it that tears just started falling down his face before he could control them. 

And before he knew it, he was pulled into a hug, a very tight hug. Sander gasped.

He felt Robbe's arms wrapping around his shoulder, one of the hands cradling his hair.

_Oh baby. Thank you. Thank you for saving me._

_I love you so much._

_Just don't ever leave me please._

Sander pulled Robbe even more closer by his waist and buried his head in Robbe's neck and sobbed. Their chest flushed together

"Shh sshh Sander. Don't cry. I am here now. I am sorry." 

"N..no Robbe, I am so..sorry, fo.. for all of it. I.. I never mea..meant to hu.. hurt you." Sander's voice was all muffled

"I know baby. I know. I just-" Robbe's other hand was now running all over Sander's back. Trying to sooth him, calm him down. Letting him know he is here.

"And of co..course I meant.. wh..what I.. I said, Robbe. I meant every word. You.. you do me.. mean every.. everything to me. You really are my dre.. dream come true. I.. I love you Ro.. Robbe. I.. I love you so.. so much."

He was still having a hard time to believe all of it. It was too much for him. 

“Oh baby I love you too. I do. So so so much, it physically hurts.” Robbe told him with such affirmation. He moved his head and kissed Sander where his neck and shoulder meet.

Sander gripped Robbe tighter, knocking all the air from his lungs but Robbe wasn't complaining. 

They stood there, in the hallway, in that tight embrace until Sander had finally stopped crying. Robbe kept whispering sweet nothings in his ear which caused Sander to cry even harder every single time.

He just couldn't explain why but it did.

It was like he finally gave up the idea of him and Robbe being together, finally lost hope of it all, finally convinced himself that all he deserves is to drown in sorrows and suffering, Robbe took all of it away in a moment. 

Everything. Every bad feeling, every pain, every sadness, Robbe just took it all away.

He came back. Robbe came back.

And Sander doesn't feel alone anymore. 

Maybe that's why he was crying. It was a cry of relief. A cry that maybe all the bad things happening in his life would finally come to a stop.

It was definitely a cry of relief.

Robbe slowly let go of Sander and put his forehead against Sander's and breathed him in. 

He cupped his face, wiped his sadness away, smiled at him. "Ocean green. Your eyes. They’re so green when you’re sad" Robbe blurted out and leans in to kiss his nose, his left cheek, his right cheek, his forehead, his wet eyelashes and then finally his lips.

He places a very chaste kiss on Sander's lips and Sander sighed into that kiss. 

_This is all I ever want._

"Come, let's go to your room" Robbe mumbled. He interlaced their fingers together and started walking towards his room.

…..

They were sprawled on Sander's bed, limbs entangled, Sander's head found his home in Robbe's chest, just above his heart, Robbe's heart beat being his favorite rhythm in the whole wide world. His hand tightly wrapped around Robbe’s waist as if Robbe would disappear the moment he loosens his grip. 

Robbe had his hand playing with Sander's hair, making soothing patterns on his scalp, kissing his hair and his forehead from time to time.

They laid in comfortable silence. Both of them content and at peace. Basking each other's presence. 

It was pure bliss. 

"You know" Robbe broke the silence 

Sander hummed.

"I was miserable without you too. Like so much. All I wanted to do was run to you and kiss and hug you and never let you go.”

“So why didn’t you?” Sanders' voice was raspy because of all the crying.

“Because I was so mad Sander I didn’t know what to do. And you showing up on Friday out of nowhere didn’t help either.”

“I am really sorry Robbe. I was being stupid and I also didn’t know that you would show up to _that_ washroom. It’s so creepy.”

“I know. But what exactly were _you_ doing there?” 

“I.. I was hiding” Sander admitted.

“From what?” 

Sander looked up from Robbe’s chest, giving him a look, trying to make him understand without actually saying it. Because saying it was somehow hurtful and embarrassing.

“Oh Sander.” Robbe pulled him closer, kissing his forehead as a gesture that everything is alright now.

“But I get it you know?”

“Hmm?”

“You weren’t mad at me as someone who had feelings for me, you were mad at me as a friend. You were right, we were friends first. We did have an understanding and I should have come to you." Sander gulped. He was blinking his eyes rapidly, trying to stop the tears from falling, which had started pooling in his eyes, once again "I..I hurt you as your friend. And to be honest I would be mad at me too. So I get it. I get where you were coming from. And I am sorry about it. I don’t ever want to hurt you baby.” Sanders' voice cracked at the end of the sentence. He was sniffing softly.

“Don't cry Sander. It's all okay now. I am here. We are fine. I promise. I love you. I love you so much. Nothing is going to come between us now”

“I love you too” Sander confessed, kissing Robbe right above his heart.

….

“I saw you on the first day of the school.” Robbe revealed

Sander wasn’t lying on his chest anymore. He was sitting on the floor with the sketchbook on his lap, drawing something, while robbe laid on his bed, his head on the edge of the bed, hanging upside down, right beside Sander's head. 

They would now and again would lean and kiss each other. On the temple, on the cheek, on the lips, skin just behind the ear.

"No Robbe. That wasn't the 1st day of school. It was during our house meeting when we saw each other for the first time, almost one and a half month _after_ the school started" Sander huffed.

"No. _You_ saw me during our house meeting for the first time. I saw you on the first day of the school." 

"What?" Sander squeaked, looking at Robbe's side profile.

"Yeah." Robbe said it like it was the most obvious thing.

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did." He looked at Sander, winked at him.

"How? Why? Where? Wh.. what?"

Robbe chuckled. Sander looked so cute. 

"Well, you were on our floor, looking all confused and so gorgeous. I think you were lost or were trying to find your class. I was standing by the door of my class and you know how near our classes are. I was talking to my friend Jens and my eyes landed on you and you just took my breath away baby. You looked so beautiful. And next thing I know, all I could think about you. I started asking around about you. And being the captain, I had my perks so I got information on you, your name and everything and I pulled some strings and got you into my house." Robbe admitted. "I don't know Sander, but all I wanted was to be near you and see you and smile at you and see you smile. You were all I thought about everyday. I would see you walking around the floor, talking to Yasmina. So, I asked her about you. She got suspicious and well I didn't hide anything from her. So, just saying she knows everything. And I asked her not to tell you anything, so don't be mad at her." Robbe said everything in one breath.

 _"Anyways,_ so, when I saw you sitting under that tree, all alone I _had_ to take my chance and I am glad that I did." 

Sander looked baffled. Internally, he was freaking out, running around, screaming what the fuck. But externally he just looked shocked.

He couldn't process any of it. That was a lot of heavy information just dumped on him.

So all he could do was breath out a "woah" in response. 

Robbe giggled and kissed him.

"What? Did you think I just go around and randomly kiss people on their cheeks when I don't even know them? Did you think it's my _thing_ or something? " Robbe teased .

"No.. no.. that's not what.. I just.. couldn't" Sander stuttered.

“What? Did I leave you speechless Mister Driesen?” Robbe laughed

_I would do anything in this world. A N Y T H I N G at all to hear you laugh._

Sander didn't say anything because he didn’t have anything to say. So he just shut his sketchbook and climbed on the bed, now straddling Robbe, who was still laying on the bed. 

“What’s the plan?” 

Sander just gave him a mischievous smile and dived into a kiss. 

Robbe's fisted Sander's hair and kissed him back.

It wasn't a sweet kiss. No. 

The kiss was so passionate and hot and wet and slow. Very slow and so sensual. There was no 'foreplay’ before the filthy kissing began. They just started dirty. 

Both of hands cupping Robbe's cheeks, while he pulls Sander's hair, making him moan so loudly. 

Their tongues were dancing together and the saliva was dripping down their chins. They needed to breathe but none of them wanted to part.

They made out for a long time. Parting to catch breath once in a while, and diving right back in with the same passion and heat. 

It felt like their first kiss, like the day Sander found Robbe in the auditorium crying.

Sander kissed him and it’s so rough and messy and passionate and emotional, 

Robbe's hand started roaming around Sander's back, slipping right under his shirt, feeling smooth soft skin while Sander started fisting Robbe’s sweatshirt, trying to pull it up.

"Can I?" Sander sounded out of breath.

Robbe nodded his head enthusiastically, raising his torso and arms up, helping sander to get rid of the clothing.

"Fuck. Robbe, you are so beautiful, baby." His hands roamed all over Robbe's chest, just feeling him up.

"Just shut and kiss me. Just kiss me Sander. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. Baby kiss me and don't ever stop." Robbe was sounding so desperate. He raised his arm and pulled Sander by his neck, into a deep kiss. 

"Off. Off. Off. Sander get it off" 

Sander removed his shirt and dived back in. He started kissing Robbe's neck, sucking the sensitive skin, making his mark.

"San.. Sander" Robbe moaned. 

Sander started moving down, leaving open mouth kisses on his neck, licking collarbone, sucking on his nipples. 

He was about to reach for Robbe’s jeans when he flipped Sander over, laid him on his back and straddled him.

Sander didn't even let him sit on his lap properly when he pulled him down by his hand and started kissing him again.

He bit Robbe's lower lip, which made him moan. 

He shoved his whole tongue down Robbe’s throat.

They were so hungry for each other. Every touch, every flick, every kiss was raising the heat between them.

They just never wanted to stop.

Robbe landed his hand on Sander's sweats. Trying to get rid of them?

"Do you mind?" Robbe asked.

Sander shook his head. Of course he didn't mind. He would do anything for Robbe. He craved for his touch. He would never say no.

As Robbe was about to pull his sweats down to his thighs, Sander held Robbe wrist in order to stop him.

"What's wrong?" Robbe asked

"Ummm.. I.. I didnt.. I haven't done it with a guy. Ever." Sander wass feeling flustered. 

"Oh, we don't have to do anything at all..we can stop"

"But I don't want to stop but I also don't want to go all the way today. I am just not ready. I am sorry." 

"Hey, Sander" Robbe interlanced their fingers, his thumb brushing over Sander's knuckles. "Babe, don't apologize okay? There is nothing to apologize for. We don't have to go all the way. I just want to make you feel good. Would you let me do that?"

Sander nodded.

"You sure? We can stop right now. I don't mind. We can cuddle instead"

"No. No. I don't want to stop" Sander breathed out.

"Okay" Robbe kissed Sander back of the hand. "Just relax okay? And let me know if you want to stop."

Sander nodded again.

"I need you to say it baby"

"Yeah okay Robbe."

And with that Robbe continued with what he was doing.

……………..

"Oh fuck fuck Ro.. Robbe it feels so good baby." Sander groaned 

  
  


"Fuck your tongue. I am gonna die."

  
  


"Your mouth baby. Fuck." 

  
  


"Stop fucking teasing me. Godd, you are gonna kill me" He whimpered 

  
  


"Robbe.. i'm gonna.. i am gonna.. Robbe move.. I am gonna.." 

  
  


"Baby of you keep doing that i'm gonna come."

  
  


"F.. fuck.. yeha just like that baby. Do that thing with your tongue again" He whined.

  
  


"Oh baby.. fu.. fuck.. i am.. I am coming.. i am coming" and with a loud moan, Sander came. Robbe swallowed.

…..

“Do you know the multiverse theory?.” Robbe whispered, as if, if spoken loudly, it will ‘ruin’ the magic they have created in this bubble of theirs that they have made.

Finally coming from their highs, they were now laying down on the bed, covered themselves with the duvet, sharing the same pillow, facing each other, their faces inches apart. 

Robbe was playing with Sander's hair, which led to Sander closing his eyes, just enjoying the soft touches, fully content and genuinely happy. 

It felt like they were in their own world. Just the two of them. It was just full of love and softness. 

“What?” 

“Yeah, just like this universe, there are other infinite universes,just like this one but with a slight difference.”

“What?” Sander smiled.

“Like, there might be another universe in which we are lying exactly like this but like the colour of this wall is different than this universe.” 

Sander silently listened.

“It’s actually comforting really. Every time I have to choose between something and turns out I chose the wrong one, I think about the other universe where _that_ Robbe chose the right option and is on the right path. It gives me assurance that if not in this universe, maybe in another universe I get what I want.” 

“I never thought about that.”

“You didn’t?”

Sander shook his head. “What if in every universe I end up like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like always alone and being bullied all the time, with no friends. What if in another universe I don’t have any friends at all? What if I live alone and die alone in some other universe. What if I never got to meet you? What if no one loves me in any of the universes? What if-“ He was choking up.

“Hey Sander." Robbe brought Sander back to him. He knows Sander was spiraling down. He knows how lonely he has been. How insecure and scared he has been his entire life. How people have been nothing but cruel to him. 

But he doesn't have to be scared anymore though. Because he has Robbe now.

Robbe brought his hand to his cheek, stroking it very lightly "There is no universe where we didn't meet and end up falling in love. Okay? It’s you and me 100% forever, in every universe. I promise you that.”

Robbe leaned in and kissed his tears away.

…

They don't know how but somehow, once again, Robbe was straddling Sander, both of their shirts off and were panting and moaning and whimpering and grinding against each other. 

They sounded so pornographic. Their voices bouncing against the walls.

They just took as much as they can, from each other and gave everything they had to each other. 

Sander's neck was filled with bruises now. So many hickeys.

"Robbe" Sander whined. "How am I going to explain these to anyone?" 

Sander was so flustered. His face was red and he was sweating from all the heat. 

"Just tell them they are mine. Because you're mine." 

That made Sander smile so wide, his cheeks hurt. 

"I am yours and you are mine."

"But?" Robbe could sense the hesitancy in Sander's voice. 

"Ummm, I haven't come out to anyone. I don't know _how_ to come out to anyone. How did you do it? No, wait first tell me how did you even know that you were into guys?"

Robbe got up from Sander’s lap and went to lay beside him, almost on the top of him. His hair ticking Sander's chin.

"Ummm.. lets see. Well, for starters I had this crush on my best friend.. Jens" 

"What?" It came out louder than he expected.

His eyes almost fell out of the socket after hearing Jens's name.

"Yeah. I know" Robbe rolled his eyes. "I mean of course I didn't know it was 'crush' at that time. But I would feel giddy every time Jens would touch my shoulder or smile at me. I would get this feeling, not a good one whenever I him kissing his girlfriend Jana. And I went to this party and some guy came up to me and started flirting with me. And I didn't feel uncomfortable at all, like how I used to, everytime a girl would come up to me to flirt or to touch. So by the end of the night, while making out with him against the wall, I knew I was into guys only" Robbe smirked, looking up to catch Sander's expression.

"Okay.. now how did you come out? To your friends and parents?"

"Turns out, Jens and alot more people saw me making out with that guy, so I didn't like _officially_ came out to them, more like they found out. And for my parents, I gathered all the courage I had and I came out to them while having dinner, one night. They said they already had a hunch. So that's that "

"How did your friends react though? Like were they cool? Did you lose them? Did they treat you differently?" Sander asked. 

"No actually, they were all really cool about it. Jens said to me 'no care who you bone Robbe. Just chill' and that was true. Everyone hooked up with everyone and no one ever batted an eye. So I chilled." 

Sander was quiet. 

"What are you thinking about, baby?"

"I don't know. I am in this fight with the girls and they are not talking to me and it's all my fault. What if I come out to them and they start hating me more? What if they dump me? No one wants a gay guy in their all girl friends group."

"Sander'' Robbe moved, so that he could look at him. "Baby, no one hates you. Okay? Please get that idea out of your head. You are amazing and perfect and so beautiful. No one hates you and everyone fights with their friends. They would never ditch you just because you are gay. Okay? And I know those girls. They are awesome. Just talk to them okay?" 

Sander nodded and lifted his chin, asking for a kiss.

Robbe gave him five and laid down in his previous position.

"So, how many boyfriends did you have before me?”

Robbe raised his eyebrows, smirking at him. Sander then realised what he had just slipped out.

“Umm.. I didn’t mean it like that. I was just..”

Robbe just shook his head, laughing,

“You are so adorable, baby. And no. I never had any boyfriend before _you”_

“So am I your first?”

“Do you want to be my first?”

Sander nodded his head enthusiastically.

“Okay. Yes, you are my first boyfriend then”

“You are mine”

Sander picked his head up to kiss Robbe’s forehead. 

“But Robbe, baby, you are so gorgeous and perfect and I know for a fact that guys must have thrown themselves at you, so why did you not date? Did you not like anybody? Baby, are you picky?”

“Gosh, let me reply. Geez.” Robbe faking his annoyance.

“Okay sorry. Tell me why.” Sander kissed his hair.

“Well, firstly I didn’t like someone enough to date them, let alone be in a relationship with them. Which means you are special so you better appreciate me.” 

“Uh huh, of course” Sander huffed

“And secondly because, well you know my dad. He-“

“But you just said you came out to both of them”

“Babbyyy, let me finish” Robbe groaned 

Sander stick his tongue out like a kid,

Robbe rolled his eyes at him and continued “Yes, he knows I am gay but he doesn’t allow me to date. He thinks that it might ‘ruin’ me and would disrupt my academics and people would think differently of me. They won’t choose me as their captain or whatever. I won’t be at the top of the class. 

He just cares about my academics, that’s all. I need to be a topper and get good grades and remain the captain and teachers’ favourite. And all of it won’t be possible if I would date as it would divide my attention and my priorities won’t be studies anymore. So…”

“Well then I have to change his thinking baby. I will tell him that he is wrong. I will-“

“You will not go anywhere near him. We can’t tell him about this Sander. We can’t. If he comes to know that I am dating, he will make me leave this school. He will make me leave you. I don’t.. I can’t” Robbe was, all of a sudden panicking 

“Hey hey hey Robbe” Sander cupped his face “baby, look at me. Come on look at me” Robbe did. “We won’t tell anyone if you don’t want to. I was just.. I was making a joke. I was kidding okay? This will remain a secret as long as you want. Okay baby? Your dad won’t find out. I promise.”

Robbe didn’t say anything, but he just buried himself in Sander. He put his face in the crook of Sander's neck and held him tightly by his waist. 

Their whole bodies were wrapped around each other.

“It's okay, baby. Calm down. You won’t have to leave me. Okay?” Sander hushed and kissed his hair, his temple, his cheek and anywhere he could reach for his skin.

They laid just like that for a long time.

…..

It was almost evening now but they still had plenty of time left because Sander’s parents were going to come home late.

“Are you crazy? Of course No Sander I can’t sleep over. What am I going to tell my parents huh?”

_Crazy. I am crazy though. Aren’t I?_

_I should tell him. Before it gets too far. I should._

_He deserves to know._

Sander’s train of thoughts came to a halt when he felt those soft perfect lips, he always wanted to feel, against his lips.

“Hi baby” Robbe said 

“Hey beautiful”

“What are you thinking about?”

They were still lying, next to each other, always touching and kissing and giggling.

"I need.. I need to tell you something" Sander gulped.

"Yeah, of course..anything"

Sander kept quiet. 

"Sander, what is it?" 

"Umm, before I tell you, I need you to know if you wanna walk out of this _relationship_ you can okay? I will understand. You don't have to stay. I won't feel bad, I promise"

"Sander, what are you talking about? You are making me worry now."

Sander moved his body and laid down straight. His eyes on the ceiling. 

_It might be easier if I don't look at him in the eyes._

"I.. I am bipolar, Robbe." 

Still not looking at him. But he heard the bed shift.

_He is leaving._

He felt two hands, wrapping around his wrist, pulling him up.

Robbe was making Sander sit. And Sander did just that.

Robbe moved his head closer to Sander, and kissed his forehead, ever so gently.

Sander let out a breath. This is not the reaction he was expecting. 

"And you think I am going to leave you because you have bipolar?" Robbe asked

Sander hung his head low but Robbe brought his index finger and thumb to his chin and raised his head.

"Oh baby, why are you crying? I am not going to leave you just because you have Bipolar."

"You.. you say that now" Sander sniffled.

"I will say it tomorrow as well"

"But Robbe, I am not an easy person to be with. Okay? I will scream and shout and shut you out and will treat you badly when I am having an episode. You will leave me too. Everyone leaves"

"Sander, hey, look at me." Sander did. "My mum, she has bipolar too. Did I leave her? No. I love her as much as I used to love her when she didn't have bipolar. Nothing changed. And nothing is going to change between us either"

"But that's your mom, Robbe. Of course you won't leave her because you love her." 

Sander's mind wasn't ready to believe that Robbe was going to stay. He has been betrayed and left alone so many time that he just didn't believe in good anymore.

But he also knows Robbe is different too. He knows Robbe is kind and soft and pure and so full of love. He won't do anything like this to Sander.

"And baby, I love you too right? I am not going anywhere, okay? Please believe me. I love you. All of you. Every single part. I love _you_ Sander."

"But what if you get tired of me in the future. What if you leave then. It will be too much for you.I would be too much for you"

“No you won't be Sander. You are never too much.”

He knows Sander is not convinced yet.

“Anyways, why are you thinking that far? We will go slow. We will take it one day at a time. And if one day is too much, we will take it one hour at a time and if one hour is too much we will take it one minute at a time. Okay? We will go minute by minute." 

"Sander?"

"Yeah okay." He wiped his nose with his wrist.

"Come here baby" 

Robbe opened his arms and Sander latched onto him like his life depended on it.

"I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving you baby. I love you. You mean everything to me too. I am here."

Robbe kept repeating himself until it was engraved in Sander's mind, until sander started believing every word that Robbe said, until sander started feeling like it was all real that Robbe is not actually not going anywhere. Until Sander's breathing evened out. Until Sander realized that being bipolar isn't a curse. Until Sander believed that he can be loved, unconditionally.

"It’s you and me, 100% forever, in every universe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please share your thoughts with me.  
> I really enjoyed writing this chapter. but i don't know why, but writing angst seems easier that fluff :P
> 
> PS- To that lovely person who gave me the idea of dedicating a scoring goal to Sander, its still happening. but in next chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated.


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